This isn't a post that will tell you how to stockpile goods in preparation for what may come tonight. It's not going to give you tips on how to lose your virginity, because God forbid you leave this world a virgin. And it's not a list like you've probably seen circulating around: "If the Mayan Apocalypse comes, I will miss this" [PICTURE OF VHS COPY OF "SPACE JAM"] "And this" [PICTURE OF A PUG FALLING OVER] "And this LOL!" [PICTURE OF ROLLER SKATES].
No, this is for anyone else out there who is totally and completely sick of people even ironically saying "Hey, how about that Mayan Apocalypse, eh?" Because even if you're obviously joking, you're still acknowledging that this is a thing, and it's unreal how many people think this is a thing. 33 schools are closing in Michigan because of the Apocalypse. 33! This is insanity.
So for the next 24 hours, here's what I will do to avoid reading Tweets, seeing Facebook statuses, or having face-to-face interactions with people who want to talk about the end of the world. I encourage you to also take these preventive measures.
1. Use this Twitter filter
Flittr is an online program we highly recommend checking out today. You sign up for a free account (it takes about 20 seconds), and its homepage becomes your Twitter dashboard, so go there instead of Twitter.com today to read and send your Tweets.
What makes Flittr so great on this day of reckoning? Go to Settings at the top of the page, and then hit "Keyphrases." Plug in "Mayans," "Apocalypse" or any other word you think is awful to the "Blacklist" and, viola, any Tweet that mentions those words will be stricken from your Timeline. The only real downside here is that in the event of an actual apocalypse, the meteor may really take you by surprise.
2. Use this Facebook program
Four months ago, I wrote this post about Unbaby.me, a Google Chrome extension that was created to block baby photos from your Facebook newsfeed and replace them with Instagram feeds of whatever you like. The suggested options were bacon and chicks in bikinis. For those of us who are out of college and starting to see these updates more and more, the people who created Unbaby.me were doing God's work.
And folks, I'm pleased to say that the extension works for the Mayan-tin-foil hat wearers too. If anyone posts an update that includes a picture of, say, Jesus crying while looking at the doomed earth, with the words "REPENT" written in the sky, you can make sure the only pic you see is Megan Fox. Just add keywords like "Mayans" and "apocalypse" to Unbaby's filter, and your quality of life today is vastly improved.
No, not Baby Removed. Mayans removed. Thanks, Megan.
Look, if you hit the bars, I can't say that you're not going to get suckered into a conversation or 16 today that's about the end of the world. But maybe—just maybe!—if you drink enough, it'll be tolerable.