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The 28 Things You Didn’t Know Could Get You Laid

By 08.28.14


Everyone knows what a dealbreaker is: the random, seemingly miniscule things dudes can do that can immediately end things with a girl. What can I say? We’re picky bitches. The good news is, for every two things we find obscurely annoying enough to end things, we have one thing that we find arbitrarily hot enough that it gets us going. For simplicity’s sake, I am going to go ahead and call them “dealmakers.” These dealmakers may seem completely irrational to the untrained Bro’s eye, but for whatever reason they make us chicas hot to trot. What are the 28 dealmakers that can turn us on faster than you can say “Bro check out YouJizz, rumor has it Nina Agdal has a sex tape out”? Read on below to find out.

Oh, and ranking matters. Number is the most common dealmaker, while 28 isn’t as common…yet still turns on some girl, somewhere, just as much as number one.
1. Activities with children
This may be one of the few dealmakers that actually has a biological explanation. Guys who are great with kids, who look natural holding a toddler on their hip, and/or who play catch with children = hot. I repeat, a Bro playing catch with a kid is HOT. Also, guys throwing kids around in the pool is a turn on because then not only is he being cute with the kids, you also get to see a front row seat to see his biceps in full force while he does it. These make sense for the same reason that Bros are subconsciously attracted to women with childbearing hips, it’s a preview for what this man candy will be like as a Dad. Nothing turns on women like a glimpse of their future, blissful life with a man.

2. Owning/playing with a dog
Chicks love a dude that is good with dogs, especially a dude that is responsible enough to keep man’s best friend alive and happy. If a dog can love the dude that much, than he’s probably a pretty decent guy.  Hottest dog according to the ladies: Golden Retrievers. Sorry Lassie.

3. Hugging family members tightly
Obviously girls love a Bro that is close with their family, but there’s nothing like seeing a guy really hug one of their family members tightly to awkwardly turn a girl on and do a silent “Awww” in her head. Seeing them really hug their mom or sister like they love ‘em is just icing on the cake. What can I say? It makes girls all warm and tingly downstairs.

4. Driving a big car with confidence
There’s nothing like a dude in a Bronco doing a one-handed parallel parking job to really get the juices flowing. No GPS needed + good at weaving through traffic = ow oww.

5. Bad handwriting
Bros with helplessly bad handwriting is cute as hell, and dudes with bubble letter handwriting is not.

6. Man buns
I am going to go ahead and have to give credit to one Leonardo DiCaprio for making this a thing, but they’re oddly sexy and girls secretly dig them. If you start growing your hair out now you can probably have a pretty solid one by winter 2k15.

7. Forehead kisses
Spoiler alert: girls absolutely love forehead kisses. They are weirdly sexy when you do it to the girl you’re dating, and they’re unbelievably cute when you do it to your mom or sister. Forehead kisses work for everything, Bros tell everybody you know.

8. Good at public speaking
If a guy can get up and give a speech without giving you complete second-hand embarrassment it’s a bingo. Intelligence and confidence are always in the plus category.

9. Celebrity man crushes
Probably because it takes a secure guy to admit another dude is a smokeshow, but guys who have celebrity man crushes is a turn on. If you can’t admit that you appreciate the fact that Aaron Rodger’s eyes and Jason Statham’s abs are dreamy as hell then you need to grow a pair.

10. Black coffee drinkers
Bros who don’t need sugar or milk in their coffee is manly and it’s hot. Sorry pumpkin latte lovers.

11. iPhones without cases
Guys who like to live life on the edge and don’t need an Otter Box on their iPhone are a little ballsy. Chicks dig ballsy.

12. Crushing the bread basket
For whatever reason there’s nothing like a Bro that can crush four dinner rolls before a full meal to weirdly turn a girl on.

13. Playing instruments
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Guitar is #1 followed closely by piano and drums. No wind instruments allowed, no one wants to fuck an oboe.

14. Being able to rap
Don’t care if you’re black, white, or just really tan, being able to freestyle and/or rap along to lyrics is sexy as hell. If you don’t know every word to Nelly’s “Ride with Me” GTFO.

15. Sneaky tattoos
Depending on your type, a guy with a full sleeve tattoo may or may not be your cup of tea. However, a sneaky tat aka one you find only after you see him shirtless for the first time is almost always a girl’s cup of tea.

16. Being able to play pick-up basketball
Even if you didn’t play basketball in high school or college, if you’re quietly good at basketball just because you’re a natural athlete that’s definitely a dealmaker.

17. Being able to play beach volleyball
See above, but ironically it is a total turn off if you actually did play volleyball in high school or college. Double standard, sorry we’re not sorry.

18. Lovers of Queen Bae
giphy (2)
If you’ve got a pulse and you’re female you love Beyoncé, you love Beyoncé being married to Jay-Z, and you wish Blue Ivy were your child. There’s nothing sexier than a guy who shares this passion and is manly enough to admit he knows the “Single Ladies” dance. Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake were secure enough in their manliness to do it in leotards…HOT.

19. Appreciation of 90’s ballads
Unless you grew up under a rock you know all the words to the greatest hits of N’SYNC and the Backstreet Boys so don’t be all shy about it. Guy with enough confidence to belt out “I Want it That Way” gets me all warm and fuzzy.

20. Being able to drive a boat and/or sail
Same as why it’s hot when guys can ski and parallel park well, and its also an activity that is usually done shirtless. #Winning. Bros who can sail usually come from money, which doesn’t hurt.

21. #tbt pictures with their mom
I mean yes it’s totally weird to think a kid picture is hot, but dudes who #tbt cute photos with their moms get us going, what can we say.

22. Standing up whenever you leave a room
This is an oldie but a goodie, and a step further than opening the door for the ladies. If you’re at drinks or dinner and the girl gets up from the table and you stand up when she leaves…FYD (fuck yeah daddy), major brownie points.

23. Being Bode Miller good at skiing
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Dudes being good at skiing is awesome for two reasons: one, because it shows he’s athletic which is always hot, and two, because it means he probably grew up with money…never hurts.

24. Big tippers
This is probably related to the fact that you can judge a dude based on how he treats waiters, valets, etc. Guys who default to a 25% tip are generous, and that’s always hot.

25. Witty hashtaggers
Social media game is always pretty sexy, but a guy who can really make a girl laugh with a simple hashtag just really provokes some aching in the loins. #LOL

26. Glasses
Not shades, but good old-fashioned Clark Kent-style glasses. When a guy you didn’t know wears glasses appears with a hot pair of Warby Parker spectacles on, it is without a doubt a turn on.

27. Money clips
According to a few of those polled they’re hot as hell. Toss those Velcro wallets dudes.

28. Liking aquariums and the zoo
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Not sure there’s a good explanation for this one, I’m gonna assume it has to do with the whole guys loving animals is hot thing.

So Bros, you should probably start offering to babysit your nieces and nephews and document it on Instagram, preferably with a golden retriever involved and a witty hashtag in the caption. If you could also have a man bun and somehow work in the fact that you’re a seasoned sailor and/or really good at basketball in the Insta, then you’ve got as good of a chance getting laid as Dan Bilzerian in a whorehouse.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Dagney Pruner
About Dagney Pruner... Dagney Pruner graduated from University of Virginia and recently left investment banking to pursue her real dream of making half as much money.  In addition to long walks on the beach, she enjoys debunking the mystery of the modern male and dancing, to literally anything.

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