We've culled our feeds to come up with 25 suggested accounts for you to follow in 2013. They're not ranked in order of importance, although No. 1 is arguably in the correct spot. Is this a definitive list? Of course not. If you know of any other quality accounts—save your own, you self-promoting bastards—leave 'em in the comments.
25. Jimmy Traina
The man who runs Sports Illustrated's Hot Clicks is a one-man machine of delivering news we enjoy seeing, from a funny take on sports (that doesn't ignore its gambling side), to, of course, quality pics of SI's swimsuit models. Also, he may be the world's biggest Howard Stern fan—if you abide by the Tao of Baba Booey, you'll have a definite kinship.
24. Chrissy Teigen
The funniest model on the planet and, it should go without saying, one of the hottest, Chrissy candidly gives her followers a look into her strange life while also writing things that make you spit up your coffee. She sometimes makes fun of her fiancee (who is somewhat famous in his own right), too, which is an added bonus.
23. Dean Norris
Norris edges out other Breaking Bad'er and prominent Tweeter Aaron Paul because, well, he's funnier. Hank Schrader just joined Twitter, but he's already poked fun at creator Vince Gilligan, shared exclusive photos from the set (where the final season is being filmed), and, of course, delivered what may be the best Tweet in the history of the social media service.
The gold standard of how to profit off Twitter, comedian Harris Wittels parlayed a popular Twitter account that RTed douchebrags (hey, new word) boasting about their accomplishments under the guise of false modesty into a column on Grantland and a book deal (at the age of 27). Humblebrag has been around for a while, but it's still fun to laugh at the idiots the account features.
Bonus public shaming accounts: Follow @fart to be exposed to RTs of people asking questions that have plagued man for centuries, like “What are clouds?”. And follow Neil Hamburger, who sometimes RTs people who complain about having food poisoning from Taco Bell. Yeah, I don't know either, but it works.
21. Mike Birbiglia
A modern master of the one-liner, Birbigs' comedy is perfectly suited for Twitter. Sometimes, though, self-deprecation gets to be a bit too much.
20. Michael Che
We've alerted you to Che before, but it's worth saying again: Keep an eye on this guy. He's one of the country's top up-and-coming comedians, and you're going to want to one day say you knew him before he hit it big. As for his Twitter account… For what it lacks in proper grammar, it makes up in hilarious observations on race and politics and living in the big city. Give him a follow.
Look, I'll just cut to the chase. Rihanna tweets pictures of herself in some state of undress nearly every day. It's worth dealing with the nonsensical thoughts, pictures of Chris Brown, and highlighted Bible verses she'll sometimes weirdly post.
At nearly 1,000 Tweets, it's more or less impossible that GS Elevator is running solely on overheard conversations in the Goldman Sachs elevator anymore, but for politically incorrect humor with a right-wing tinge, you can't beat it. Think of your wildly wealthy friend who you just can't hate because everything he says is too ridiculous.
17. Avicii's Flannel
Robb swears by this one, and I'm not totally sure if it's just a clever parody account of house maven Avicii's ubiquitous flannel shirts, or a really, really clever account making fun of both parody accounts and EDM as a whole. (“Let's make love and listen to old disco records,” has me leaning toward thinking it is trolling.) Anyway, it's a solid excuse laugh again at the absurdity that is the Avicii-Ralph Lauren partnership.
16. The Fat Jew
Wildly offensive and undeniably hilarious, the Fat Jew doesn't just make videos of hookers reenacting scenes from Braveheart. He also runs a pants-wettingly funny Twitter account. Be warned, though, guys in class/cubicle jockeys with a computer angled toward your boss: He'll throw a more-than-occasional NSFW link up.
15. Coffee Dad
It's tough to fully explain Coffee Dad, but I'm going to try.
Coffee Dad really likes coffee. He Tweets about drinking it roughly once a day, and he always takes care to deliver the Tweet in a different manner (one day it might be “#sippingcoffee,” the next it might be “going to get coffee”). Every so often, though, he'll throw in a clue to an unfolding story that is totally jarring when placed against his normal Tweets about Keurings and lattes.
What he's doing is something that only Twitter allows—he's developing a joke that may go on for months, making it one of the slowest burns ever—and giving it to us drip by drip by drip. We won't give the joke away. But we will say that it's incredibly wrong, darkly funny, and has the whole office entranced right now.
14. Jenny Johnson
Jenny became a semi-household name after causing Chris Brown to delete his account, which is enough to earn her a spot on the list. But even without the Brown controversy, Johnson's account is very funny in its own right, while specializing in a confrontational humor that is normally directly at low-hanging fruit like Brown and the Kardashians. Seriously, search for the shit she's lobbed at that family over the years. Brilliant and vicious.
13. Megan Amram
Another female comedian, and why not! Megan is brilliant and consistent, delivering a steady stream of one-liners each day.
12. Brandon McCarthy
Unlike some of his louder counterparts—cough cough, Dwight Howard, cough—Brandon McCarthy is a legitimately funny and candid athlete. His unvarnished look at what the MLB is really like is why Twitter is so great. You just didn't get the view from canned lockerroom quotes that you do from McCarthy's account.
And when McCarthy went down with that scary head injury last season? Then he really shined [see above].
11. Bill Simmons
If you're a fan, and everyone is a fan nowadays, you're probably already following him. If you're not following, you might be Roger Clemens.
10. Rob Delaney
Delaney owes his career to Twitter, and for good reason. Favorite topics include sex, farting, and the various bodily functions that come in between. (A word of warning: I share many of his political views, and even I still find him to sometimes be insufferable in how much he shares them. Hardcore conservatives probably should pass.)
9. Andy Gray
Why should you follow Gray? Ever want to see a funny picture of Tim Tebow trying his damnest to ignore two bikini-clad babes? How about Arvydas Sabonis' early 90s mustache? Or Larry Bird playing golf in a truckers hat in the '80s? (Gotta make sure that complexion stays clear.) Gray is one of our favorite follows on Twitter just for those reasons. As the curator of Sports Illustrated's vault, he has access to an incredible array of old photos of athletes that are nostalgic, funny, and always entertaining.
8. Drew Magary
Magary has evolved over the past three or so years from a niche online writer into a published novelist, widely-known Deadspin personality, and the most-read scribe on the Internet. There are good reasons for this evolution. He's hilariously profane, but he's also as smart observer of football as any traditional sportswriter out there (even though he'd probably never admit it). His Twitter account is mainly links to his and other stories, and it's a must-follow for any 20 to 40-year-old guy.
7. Tim Siedell
An advertising exec who lives in Nebraska, Siedell lives a double life as @badbanana, a clever Twitter account that has acquired hundreds of thousands of followers over the years. His avatar (a picture, for some reason, of ad legend David Ogilvy) makes the jokes about 50% funnier.
6. Benedict XVI
It's not what he's saying that matters. It's more of the fact that the Pope, THE POPE, is on Twitter and talking about building baby cribs. Nothing brings me more pleasure than scrolling through the feed, seeing some series of dirty jokes by a comedian, and then right beside it noticing His Holiness dropping some infallible knowledge on my mortal ass. Still waiting on him to come up with a clever name for his Twitter followers, though. “Go in peace, Twock.” (“Twitter flock.” No? Okay.)
5. Tracy Morgan
Slightly unhinged, sometimes incomprehensible, but normally pretty funny… Although I do think that he wouldn't be nearly good if you didn't read his Tweets in the Tracy Morgan voice. (There's just something, you know, in the way he says “PREG-NANT.”)
Vince Mancini runs Film Drunk, the funniest and most slyly informative movie news page on the web. His Twitter account roughly reads like what happens if your buddy with all the movie trivia has had three or four beers and feels comfortable with telling you what he really thinks about “Looper.” (That's a compliment.) A recent highlight was Mancini's review of “Les Miserables” in the form of the lyrics to Smash Mouth's “All Star.” There's a case to be made that the review is why the Internet was invented.
3. Neal Brennan
The co-creator of Chappelle's Show, Neal Brennan's No. 1 job now is stand-up and Tweeting. This is not as good as Chappelle's Show still being on the air, but it's still pretty good. Lately, Brennan has been coupling his one-liners with links to interesting articles on comedy, the drug war, and whatever else strikes his fancy. It's a welcome development.
2. Kate Upton
It wouldn't be a BroBible list without Ms. Upton. Upton shows a, well, less than Harvard-level education in many of her Tweets, but then she'll put up a behind-the-scenes shot from one of her various bikini-clad trips around the world and…. Click.
For around two years now, Karl Welzein (aka @dadboner, aka comedian Mike Burns) has had the funniest and most groundbreaking profile on Twitter. Telling a story of a Grand Blanc, Michigan man who's now gone through a divorce, lost his job, and become a medium-functioning alcoholic, the story sounds like dark stuff, and it normally would be, but Karl's way with words and tendency to turn everything into a catchphrase make it brilliant. If you follow him for more than two weeks, you'll get the joke. And, you'll be repeating everything he says with your friends.
It's been nice to see Karl get recognized by the mainstream over the last few months—with a big Deadspin profile and national media attention directed at his open letter to NY Times' restaurant reviewer Pete Wells—and we eagerly await his book next year.
Bonus! BroBible writers
If you read the site at all, you know what you're getting with each account: @JCamm_ for fart jokes and links to Pearl Jam songs, @brandonwenerd for Phish minutiae and a refusal to capitalize words, @jtrain56 for hilarious tweets from the funniest guy who writes for BroBible, @lanceryanpauker (Robb Stark) for more 9th Semester talk, and myself for long stretches of nothing punctuated by eight straight annoying-as-shit Duke Basketball tweets. (I suck.) So why not follow us too?
Sorry, had to get in a dirty, shameless plug.