The name “Assawoman” does not amuse you anymore
“OMG HE SAID ASSAWOMAN!” Yes, this woman’s ass lends its name to the boating, tubing, and jetskiing capital of the eastern shore. There’s nothing funny about this. Jetskiing isn’t funny. It’s strictly business.
You know exactly how “Worcester” is pronounced
But we usually choose to butcher the pronunciation anyway so people—even those who know how to say it—actually know what the hell your talking about. (For the record, it’s “wooster.”)
$2 Natty Bohs at Sliders keep your world in orbit
If you’re going to a Friday night O’s game and ran out of Gatorade and Burnett’s to chug on the light rail down to Camden, you walk your semi-drunk ass ten feet away from the stadium and end up at Sliders, an orange hole-in-the-wall situated on Washington Boulevard. This deal is relentlessly amazing.
Unless you want to pay $12 for a beer cup with the O’s schedule on it. But I’d rather just be drunk for cheap and get the schedule on the Internet.
You’re a self-proclaimed crab connoisseur
You become a condescending prick when discussing crab size, taste, meat richness, and Old Bay dosage. (Only when your parents are buying, though. Christ on a corndog, these four-legged bastards are way outside your bar-backing budget.)
Federal Hill is your stomping grounds
Once you turned 21, you heard about Stalking Horse and Porters’ “100 different kinds of draught beers.” That’s not a direct quote from the restaurants—it's from your dumbass older friends who lied about their big city lives, filled with women and freshly carbonated IPAs.
Some establishments do have great beer selections, though, so heading toward Light Street or Cross Street and going down swinging ain’t the worst decision you’ve made.
H2O was the bee’s knees during your formative years
Ah, yes. So many eighth-grade memories stem from this notoriously sweaty trollhole for underage OC shitheads. My friend once stole a flask filled with Everclear from this place. Talk about a middle school dance on steroids.
People who exaggerate “Hon” make your skin cringe
These people suck. Badly. They're the ones who scream “HAHN” or “HOOOON” like they are metaphorically shitting on every tin of Old Bay that’s ever been produced.
Don’t ever shit on Old Bay. Ever.
Long-sleeved t-shirts are worn regardless of the weather
You roll them up when it gets hot out. You rock the sleeves down when it’s a little chilly and you're walking across campus. Regardless, you know it looks good.
The National Aquarium will never cease to be cool
It was awesome when you were nine years old on your elementary field trip, and it’s still awesome now. And you’re not ashamed to go on Fridays after 5 p.m. for that whopping $12 discount.
You know the Redskins have the weakest fan base
Not just compared to Baltimore, but any NFL team. And you tell them that the Battle of the Beltway was won long ago (even if they won in 2012).
You will never forget who won the Super Bowl
Who won the Super Bowl last year? I can’t really remember. Who? Tell me who. Please.