Asphyxiating yourself with a piss rag is better than I-695 at rush hour
You’ve known this your entire life. It’s been imprinted in your brain and passed down among every generation of your family. But you still needed the highway at the worst time... every single time. Just save yourself the time and go fuck yourself.
Asphyxiating yourself with a piss rag is better than crossing The Bridge on summer weekends
And if you have to ask what bridge I’m talking about then there’s nothing left for you here in this list.
Ocean City took at least one summer of your life that you’ll ever get back
You consciously uprooted your entire lifestyle to live in this toxin-drenched wasteland that reeks of crabs and carcinogens. This place ate your soul for three months of your life and you loved every second of it. A large chunk of your psyche never really left.
Crew socks are an integral part of your everyday wardrobe
You’ll literally wear them for two weeks straight because you wouldn’t be caught dead in that old pair of ankle socks left in your drawer from middle school. They’re comfortable and make you look like an athlete. (But we’re all phonies deep down.)
You're a geography expert
Well, you’re not. But you do know one very important thing that idiot tourists always get wrong: Baltimore is not the goddamn state capital.
All turtles are referred to as Terrapins
It's just easier that way! No matter how shitty UMd sports are.
You sprinkle Old Bay on your breakfast
Bagels. Pancakes. Cap’n Crunch. Whatever. You start the day off right with a nutritious breakfast that features Baltimore kick.
Post-activity dips are what you look forward to at the end of the day
Whether it’s after practice or a grueling day of sitting through bio professors talk about Spanish, nothing beats packing a lip and kickin’ it with your buddies. Only the good stuff, though.
You played lacrosse even if you didn’t play lacrosse
You owned a lacrosse stick but never played a game. All of your friends played lacrosse at some point, but your parents probably made you play baseball instead. Thanks Mom and Dad. Concerted cultivation my ass.