My subconscious starts talking to me in the disembodied voice of Talking Heads’ frontman David Byrne: “This is not my beautiful XVideos. This is not my beautiful imaginary girlfriend. How did I get here? Annnd the days go by …”
Then I see her. The most MILFiest pregnant b*tch these two eyes have ever beheld. My sense of good taste says no but my trigger finger says yes. Before I know it I’m waxing dolphin to the image of a swollen-bellied babe who’s presumably still waiting for a positive paternity test to come through (How else can one explain such desperation?).
Now, before you judge me, let’s be honest with ourselves: we’ve all been tempted by the unexplored frontiers of the sexual spectrum. The realms of buttsex and threesomes and bondage and, to a lesser extent, things like multi-ethnicity or your best friend’s generously-proportioned mother. Because somewhere in our depraved male minds, we all keep track of our own personal sexual bucket lists, and slowly but surely, we dash mental checkmarks next to each of our conquests.
But some day, senility or blackout accumulation or a freak piñata incident that leads to partial amnesia will rob you of your catalogue of bedroom triumphs. Which is why I recommend referring to the following: a little number I like to call the Everyman’s Sexual Bucket List. Parse it, revise it, and – if you’re a real freak – augment it as you see fit.
In roughly chronological order:
1. Get on base.
2. Get in scoring position.
3. Post up on third base. You’re almost to the first major milestone. You also should have shown off your motor-boating skills at least once or twice by now.
4. Lose Virginity. See: Pie, American.
5. Collect some V-Cards. Subsequently, break some hearts.
6. Hone your skills as a sexual martial artist by collecting the various belts. White belt for a Caucasian girl, black belt for an Afro-American chick, brown belt for an Arab princess (or Latina, depending on which coast you reside on), yellow belt for an Asian babe, and of course the green belt: your first Jewess.
A true master will eventually find a Pocahontas look-alike to present him with the fabled red belt, which is like the Holy Grail of this game. Just be sure you have a getaway car that can outrun drunk Indians on horseback; they’re a feisty bunch.
7. Doubleheader. Against different opponents, of course.
8. Knock on the back door. I suggest a ribbed condom — more traction in the mud.
9. Public sex. Bonus points for creativity and risk involved. Obviously a remote aspen grove in a National Park doesn’t measure up to a port-a-john at Coachella. Especially if that port-a-john is on a hillside.
11. Eiffel Tower. Chinese finger-cuffs. Pig roast. This one goes by many names, but the danger is always the same: don’t get caught in your future best-man’s crossfire.
12. The other kind of threesome. As in, the one that is exponentially more satisfying but accordingly much more difficult to achieve.
13. Become an amateur pornographer. Just don’t try to hide the results in Mom and Dad’s DVD collection like I did.
14. Mile-High Club.
15. Bang a hooker! Why not? You’re in a third-world country, you’re so drunk you can’t remember your own name, and you’ll probably be feeding a family four for a week. I call that charity work, not a sex crime.
16. Cougar hunt. Best if you knock this one out in your mid-to-late twenties. Once you get any older than that, I’m not sure you want to be grappling with a lady who qualifies as a cougar to you. Ever seen an overstuffed roast beef sandwich?
17. Tie each other up. You’ll want to do this with someone you trust. Why? Worst-case scenario: you wake in a bathtub full of ice with a weird empty sensation where your kidneys used to be.
18. The anonymous sexual encounter. As in, you don’t even exchange names. Or STDs, hopefully.
19. Procreate. No, that’s not me going soft on you. It’s a testament to my desire to ensure that my superlative seed doesn’t go to waste. I should hope you regard your own boys with the same illusions of greatness.
20. Bang a pregnant chick. Come on, you didn’t think I was telling that anecdote for nothing, did you? It’s my fantasy; deal with it.
What did I miss? Share your own Sexual Bucket List aspirations in the comments section below.