If you enjoy frequenting the type of website that features stories of husbands stabbing their wives over hamburger disputes; stories of criminals getting caught masturbating during their crime sprees; and stories of men reporting to the hospital with flare gun injuries to their crotch (so, all of you), I've got an amazing Twitter feed for you.

Called "Florida Man," and dedicated to the "world's worst superhero," the Twitter feed collects headlines from the seemingly limitless world of Weird Florida, delivering them to those of us safely settled away from the state. The variety of the crimes committed in these headlines is absolutely staggering. Either meth makes you a crazy person, or Disney has poisoned the water supply. Leaning toward the latter. 

Below are my 20 favorites. Try not to click on them. You can't.

(Also, keep in mind that all of these crimes were committed in the last TWO WEEKS. This isn't a Greatest Hits tour of Weird Florida. Two weeks!)

Florida Man Finds Way To Connect With Cats | pr.com/press-release/…

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 5, 2013

Police Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At Walmart | thesmokinggun.com/buster/drunken…

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 5, 2013

Florida Man Tells Police He's A "Covert Agent" Who Drank 100 Beers, Gets Arrested For DUI | bit.ly/KAJ7qW

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 14, 2013

Florida Man Arrested For Trying To Force Fiancé To Swallow Engagement Ring | foxnews.com/us/2013/01/24/…

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 2, 2013

Naked Florida Man Jumps Off Roof Onto Man, Nocks Television Over, Empties Vacuum Cleaner, Masturbates | gaw.kr/VSXB8F

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 4, 2013

Florida Man Charged With Stealing Woman's Driveway | bit.ly/UYJTkr

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 13, 2013

Florida Man Enters Wrong Home, Tries To Kick Everyone Out | on.wcsh6.com/Uh79w1

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 12, 2013

Florida Man Arrested While Sunbathing Naked And Holding Rubber Penis | bit.ly/XCmVi3

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 13, 2013

Police Arrest Ketchup-Covered Florida Man Yelling Profanities At Tourists While Sprawled In The Middle Of The Street| keysnews.com/node/39182

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 12, 2013

Florida Man Arrested For Driving While Masturbating With A Toy Gun In His Ass | bit.ly/URJTp8

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 13, 2013

Florida Man Run Over By Van After Dog Pushes Accelerator | nbcnews.to/13HU8MJ

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 13, 2013

Florida Man Accused Of Shooting Six Cows In The Face | bit.ly/15anllf

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 13, 2013

Florida Man In Tiny White Shorts And Belly Shirt Gets DUI After Crashing Into Three Cars | opposingviews.com/i/society/flor…

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 14, 2013

Drunk Florida Man Tries To Use Taco As ID After His Car Catches Fire At Taco Bell | bit.ly/oiVpS7

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 11, 2013

Florida Man On Probation For Sex With A Donkey Named Doodle, Arrested Again | cbs12.com/news/top-stori…

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 9, 2013

Florida Man Repeatedly Called 911 Saying He Needed A Ride To Mexico | bit.ly/YjC1xi

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 4, 2013

Florida Man Busted For Performing Back Alley Butt Injections | nydailynews.com/news/crime/flo…

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 2, 2013

Florida Man Arrested For Calling 911 After His Cat Was Denied Entry Into Strip Club | bit.ly/XzoYn5

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 12, 2013

Florida Man Attempts Getaway From Bungled Hardware Store Robbery In Golf Cart Stolen From Nearby Nudist Camp | bit.ly/K2968B

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 11, 2013

Florida Man Faces Charges For Using Enemas, Returning To Pharmacies For Resale | yhoo.it/WXzkgP

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 14, 2013

Florida Man Arrested For Allegedly Fixing Cars With Play-Doh | bit.ly/Xw2rFI

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) February 12, 2013