It’s almost Halloween, the magical time of the year when kids gorge on enough candy to keel over a diabetic, and you get to ogle normally mild-mannered women who have decided, on this night, to brave sub-zero temperatures while dressed like prostitutes. A glorious time.
It’s important to have a decent costume for the night. Not an overly thought-up costume, or one that will cause you to have trouble entering doors or skirts (hey-o!). No, you need one that takes inspiration from headlines in a clever way without looking like you spent too long on it. (When in doubt, follow this rule of thumb: The amount of time and money you enter into making a costume should equal less than 60.
10 minutes thinking of idea + $45 spent = 55. You’re good.
30 minutes thinking of idea + $40 spent = 70. You fucking try-hard.)
Lucky for you, we’re here to help. What follows is 20 different costume ideas ripped from viral news stories over the past year. By no means are these gender specific. Dressing as a woman—especially if you’re packing a few extra pounds—is nearly always a good bet. And by no means are all these costumes good ideas. Some are, in fact, wildly offensive and probably should not be used. It’s up to you to have the discretion to pick out the gems.
1. Tennessee Butt Chugger, Butt Chugger's Lawyer
Our pick for the best costume idea of Halloween 2012. Wear a Tennessee tie, blazer, and sunglasses with croakies, then tape a funnel to your ass. Pretend not to know what anyone is talking about when they point out the funnel taped to your ass. Have a friend dressed in a bowtie speak like Foghorn Leghorn and deny you have a funnel taped to your ass.
2. Tan Mom
Color your face orange. Really, really orange. Then when you go to a party and find out that 70% of the people there already had the same costume idea as you, amp the costume up another level by getting shitfaced and telling everyone, "I like to tan, fuck you!”
3. Sex Tape Hulk Hogan
Put a do-rag over your hair and wear a black shirt that says, "Bubba's." Constantly rub your belly and say you "feel like a pig," and you can't believe you "at that much 10 minutes ago." When talking to girls, refer to having sex as "like being on a rollercoaster." Slam someone's wife.
4. Clint Eastwood
Dye your hair white, make sure it’s sticking up like Dr. Emmett Brown from “Back to the Future,” and squint. Spend all evening talking to empty chairs. (This is a good idea for anyone who’s a bit socially awkward at parties.)
5. Prison Jerry Sandusky
Powder your hair white and wear a prison jumpsuit with the nametag “The Tickle Monster.” Chain yourself to your largest friend, who’s also wearing a jumpsuit. Congrats! You're his bitch for the night.