Life
by J. Camm on November 22, 2013

Per the Craigslist ad, which will probably get pulled because we're a nation of fucking killjoys

YOUR LEGACY STARTS HERE (1997 Subaru Legacy Outback) – $2000 (Royal Oak)

HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING CAR
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CAR
IT'S A 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK
BITCHES LOVE 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACKS (SOURCE: THE BITCHES)

WHAT YOU THINK 2 WHEEL DRIVE IS ENOUGH FOR YOUR COMMUTE?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE COMMUTING THROUGH AN APOCALYPTIC ZOMBIE HORDE
YOU CAN'T AFFORD A KEY LOSS OF TRACTION WHEN THE FLESH EATERS ARE BANGING ON YOUR REINFORCED GLASS WINDOWS
GOOD THING THIS SUBARU IS 4 FUCKING WHEEL DRIVE

THIS CAR ROCKS AN AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION 
SO IT'S FOR YOU CLASSY FUCKERS TOO BUSY BANGING THE PROM QUEEN TO WORRY ABOUT WORKING THE CLUTCH

OH AND NEWSFLASH FUCKERS
IT'S WINTER
THIS IS MICHIGAN, HOMES, IT GETS COLD
NOBODY'S GOING TO WANT TO MAKE OUT IN A FUCKING NEON WITH BUSTED HEAT

LUCKILY THIS SUBARU HAS HEATED GODDAMNED SEATS SO WHILE YOU'RE FRENCH KISSING KATE UPTON (kate upton loves subarus) YOU'LL KEEP BOTH OF YOUR FINE ASSES TOASTY
THOR DIDN'T SLAY THE FROST GIANTS OF JOTUNHEIMR FOR YOU TO BE COLD ON THE WAY TO WORK
HE'D BE ALL LIKE, “NAY, PURCHASE THIS HORSELESS CHARIOT WITH HEATED SEATES”

BUT LIKE, THOR HAD GOATS NOT HORSES
BUT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DEBATE THE MERITS OF YOUR FAVORITE BEAST OF BURDEN WHILE BLASTING YOUR FAVORITE JAMZ OUT OF THESE UPGRADED SPEAKERS (kate upton loves upgraded speakers)

AND OH YEAH
THIS BEAST HAS CRUISE CONTROL
TRULY, YOU ARE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DOMAIN

THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS DONE 180,000 MILES AND IS STILL GOING STRONG
I HEAR IF YOU BREAK 200,000 YOU GET TO ENTER YOUR INITIALS IN THE HIGH SCORE SCREEN
SURE IT GOT SOME DAMAGE WHEN I WAS TOKYO DRIFTING WITH VIN DIESEL, BUT THE DAMAGE IS 100% SUPERFICIAL. THE CAR WORKS SO FUCKING GOOD BECAUSE I SPENT A DRAGON'S HOARD WORTH OF GOLD TO REPLACE THE PARTS
THE ONLY REASON I'M GETTING RID OF IT IS BECAUSE I'M MOVING TO A FAR OFF LAND WHERE PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS A THING

BILL CLINTON WAS PRESIDENT BACK IN 1997 AND HE ABSOLUTELY SLAYED PUSSY
IF YOU BUY THIS 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK YOU WILL TOO
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LOGIC WORKS

SO RISE, YOU BADASS NEW GOD, AND CLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE INSIDE THIS CAR
 

I feel like that red line in the photo above had the makings of an epic COCK DRAWING, but the seller quickly 86'd that idea realizing he didn't want to cheapen is ad with such smut. 

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J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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