[inline:spencer]Here is a riddle for you... What is pasty white, completely worthless, and considered (by all) to be the world's worst failed miscarriage? If you answered Macaulay Culkin you would be close... but wrong. If you answered Spencer Pratt, then give yourself a hand (job), because you are correct. In case you've been in a coma for the last four years, Spencer is one of the "stars" (laughable) of MTV's hit reality show "The Hills." Spencer and his new wife Heidi Montag have made quite the names for themselves just by being themselves -- two truly putrid human beings. Heidi is a tall, homely looking blond (with noteworthy tits) who comes across as your typical catty b*tch. While Spencer is annoying, egotistical and so free of any talent that his success could become the bane of your very existence... if you let it. I gave up watching MTV a while ago, so I figured the only time I had to see this pile of wet baby shit, and his flesh colored beard, was when I picked up a tabloid while standing in line at the grocery store. But I now realize it was foolish of me to think that the Spencer Pratt pandemic could be contained and controlled. The more we hate him the more he seems to flourish. As a matter of fact, Spencer just came out with a rap song and he is soon to rear his ugly Cro-Magnonesque head on NBC's sizzling summer line-up. To me, both of these ideas are as appalling as Crayola coming out with a new line of crayons using racial slurs to describe the colors (use your imagination). America needs to stop the Spencer Pratt pandemic at the source. In all candidness, who among us does NOT want to stomp on his reproductive organs anyway? Hell, I'd like to slap his mother in the face just for shits. If you're saying to yourself, "my word, that's a little harsh, don't you think?" I have a few things to say to you via a numerical list:
1. Fuck you for judging me; my childhood was a nightmare -- my parents showered me with love and I lived in the suburbs. 2. Heidi's face looks like one of my used condoms -- long and droopy -- and Spencer's prominent brow leads me to believe that if they reproduced it would result in another ugly long-faced a**hole with the last name Pratt. And no one wants that. 3. Listen to his new rap song and then tell me with straight face that you wouldn't rather be water boarded than to listen to it a second time: [inline:douche] Now if you possess the wherewithal to listen to that entire song, I tip my cap to you. If you don't, you're not alone. When my screen froze while it was playing, I almost jammed a pen in my ears. The sad part is, this rap song isn't a joke and Spencer is serious about having a career in rap. In an interview with Ryan Seacrest he said, "First I took over TV, the tabloids, and the Internet-now I'm going after the airwaves. Nothing can stop 'The Great White.'" A separate interview with Complex.com corroborated this. The first question in the interview Complex asks, "What's going on man, how are things?" Spencer's humbly responded, "The usual, just another amazing day in my life. On the way to the gun range with my wife, ready to go fire off some hollow points out of the 19..." I'm not only convinced this guy jerks off to his own reflection, I'm quite certain he gives himself golden showers too. In the remainder of the interview with Complex, Spencer claims to be "just like Diddy," refers to money as "swag" on multiple occasions, and even states that Heidi is "a little bit more than the white Beyonce," saying that, "Beyonce had to be built by a group like Destiny's Child, but Heidi shines solo." To be honest when I started reading this interview I was sure it was a fabrication, a mere sham, but then I realized it wasn't --Spencer is actually this much of a tool. You also may recall that I previously mentioned his new show on primetime TV. And I think each of us owe NBC a debt of gratitude for bringing the douche bag to end all douche bags to yet another network. I actually think I'll be sending them the same thing I sent my ex-girlfriend on her last birthday -- an envelope stuffed with my corn-fed feces. This month, NBC's new D-list celeb-reality show, "I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here" premieres. And while I understand the network's fervor for dropping a bunch of hack actors, washed-up models, broke athletes, and useless reality TV personalities into the middle of the jungle with hopes of them tearing each other to shreds all for the sake of ratings, they could have at least spared us from Speidi. Could they not? I guess we can all just hope for the worst... To put into further perspective just how much of a f*cking stool pusher he is, I decided to compare Spencer's Wikipedia profile to one of his I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here cast members and fellow shit wad, Sanjaya Malakar. Spencer is so disliked and worthless that his whole profile is three lines long. THREE FUCKING LINES! I couldn't tell you exactly how long Sanjaya's was, because I lost count at line 17, but it was long. This leads me to conclude that Spencer is so hated across America, not one person was willing to take the time to beef up his profile. Finally, a bit of validation.... If what you just read came across like it was laced with malice and aimed in Spencer Pratt's general direction, then somewhere in Florida my parents are beaming with pride.