Cue the "I remember my first hooker" insults. Or the "this kid is a p*ssy and should probably die" rants because Ryan McNames (no really, that is his name), a 19-year-old from Columbia, Missouri, got f*cked (not literally) by two hookers running a two-for-the-price-of-one scheme. The kicker is, this wasn't his first hooker, but he is a p*ssy and if someone could be executed for this level of stupidity I sure as shit wouldn't oppose it. I f*ckin' love capital punishment.
McNames, clearly incapable of getting ass on his own, decided that he needed some loving last Saturday night. Rather than going out and getting shot down by every woman in or below his weight class, McNames doused himself in Drakkar Noir, shaved his pubes completely off (probably used one to floss his tooth), got 60 large out of the ATM, and headed to wherever it is that Missouri keeps its bargain-basement hoes.
When he found the two hookers, who were extending their Black Friday 2-for-1 promotion, they came to the agreement that for $60 one sl*t would show him her tits, while the other blew him. A blow job for $60? What a deal! Missouri's economy must be in the shitter. No further details of the arrangement were noted or whether the negotiated price included her gargling his load and spitting it back on his chest.
After they terms were set, the trio headed to McNames' apartment where he took the money, laid it neatly his speaker and probably said something along the lines of "now come and suck daddy's dick." Well, that dick sucking never happened. Slut number one showed her tits as per the agreement, but sl*t number two just grabbed the money off the speaker and the two hoes left. At this point, these are the only details I have but to me that is theft, and I wouldn't have minded if the story ended in grotesque violence. But sadly it didn't.
McNames, ever the b*tch, just let the hookers leave and then, like a f*cking moron, he went to the cops asking them to help him get $40 back. He was like, "Look fellas, I know this shit's illegal but this isn't the first time I've hired p*ssy, I was promised a blow job, and I am not going to stand for this." The cops never sought out justice for Ryan's pent-up load. Instead, they were so unimpressed by his game, they had no other choice than to charge him for patronizing prostitution and think to themselves how wonderful it would be to break a riot baton over his face.