Life
by J. Camm on August 2, 2010

“It takes all kinds to make the world go around,” I said to another BroBibler the other day as we passed a gentlemen in Times Square who was wearing nothing but a pink tutu, a phantom's mask, and a pair of white Timberlands as he went about his daily business — handing out night-club fliers — as if he didn't look like a complete stooge who may or may not enjoy an*l sex in his downtime.

 

Bearing witness to this type of unique individual is commonplace in New York City but seeing him, along with the recent barrage of femin*zis on our site, got me thinking about all the deplorable types of people this world could probably continue to go around without. But since this is America (and the only country I care about) it is only fair for this list to contain this nation's parasites rather than worry about shit-brains from other parts of the world. The list below is by no means an end all, but rather something to start the conversation about all the types of people in America who just can't seem to stop sucking, and not in that good, tooth-free, sl*tty kind of way either. Make some noise and spread the hate in the comments.

 

15. Celebrities Outspoken About Political/Religious Beliefs

Look, you're a f*cking monkey who gets paid rather handsomely to entertain me. So I'd appreciate if you toned down all the Tea Party, Kabbalah, and Scientology bullshit and stick to performing.

 

14. Bluetooth Addicts

The only times these should be worn are while driving (since it's a law in some states) and if you are a top-halved paraplegic who can't hold a phone with your foot. Anything else is unacceptable and self-indulgent.

 

13. Guidos

Clad in nothing but self-tanner, armed with a generous serving of rigatoni a la steroids (as evident by the violent stretch marks), and often heard quoting Pauly Walnuts, Guidos pollute the Tri-State area like dead wildlife pollutes the Gulf. Unmercifully.

 

12. White Rappers

I am sure someone who lacks all taste in music is going to rain shit on me or tell me to take a lap for saying this, but I don't f*cking care. Eminem, and maybe a handful of others, notwithstanding, most of these idiots aren't worth the two seconds it took to write this.

 

11. People of Reality TV Fame

For the mother-load of Reality TV douche see the above image.

 

10. People Who Hand Out Flyers

My sincerest apologies to the retard in the tutu, but handing out a flyer is basically saying, “Here, you, throw this away.” But even worse people than the flyer pushers are talentless rappers who try to peddle their CDs on the corners of heavily populated streets. I recently even witnessed one delusional jerk-off who actually offered to sign the CD after he coaxed some kid into buying it.

 

9. Hipsters

Otherwise known as society's dandruff, hipsters take pride in giving off the vibe that they don't care about anything. I guess that makes sense because how else could you possibly explain skinny jeans? You know you have come in contact with a hipster if you are standing next to a frumpy faced try-hard, wearing a chip on his underdeveloped shoulders, trendy glasses without a prescription, and horrific taste in clothes.

 

8. Feminists

What more could you blood-lusting, joy-swilling broads possibly want from us? In case you have been too caught up in “the cause” to notice, women already have f*cking rights and ever since the advent of a little thing called “the blow job,” they have been able to obtain highly regarded jobs and public offices by way of f*cking every rung on the corporate ladder. Wait, before one of you tells me to die from prostate cancer (that actually happened in a previous post), I better clarify that was just a joke. But seriously, I gag every time I hear or see one of these homely looking, cock-abhorring c*nt displays in public. Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, men wouldn't be such a**holes to you if you took a minute and familiarized yourself with a bar of soap? On behalf of men the world over, take all your negativity, your unkempt tw*ts, and your affinity for hemp accessories elsewhere.

 

 

{C}

7. Terrorists

It is a well-known fact that the United States, Canada (what up Northern Bro?), and just about every other nation in the world is and always will be better than that outhouse you call your homeland. We know you're jealous that we get to stare at cleavage in public, have electricity, and eat all the f*cking pork we want, but violence towards us isn't the answer. Turning the guns on yourselves or throwing a suicide bomb party with each other… that's the answer.

 

6. Homeless People Who are Perfectly Sane

Homelessness + Sanity = Laziness exemplified. I understand the economy is still in the tank and desirable employment is scarce, but if you have your wits about you and you can't secure a job washing cars, flipping burgers, or at the very least trafficking drugs, you really aren't trying.

 

(“I swear to God, no fibs, I've sucked a dick this big” – A Sharpton)

5. Activists/Social Extremists

Not a month passes without seeing some radical moron (See: Al Sharpton) in the news pontificating about something that doesn't even concern him. Always sticking their their nose in someone else's business, crying racism at every chance they get, these people are likely the reason why #3 (see below) still exists in this country. And Al, if you are reading this (because you probably Google yourself everyday), just know that this isn't a race issue. It's an “I hate boisterous idiots of all colors” issue. But God dammit, I might just hate you the most.

 

4. Virgins

I get the whole “kids should be a virgins when they are eight years old” phenomenon but if you are in your mid-twenties and you're still denying your dick (or vag*na) its God-given right to pursue happiness, then you should probably become the victim of a heinous, and strictly genital-related, accident.

 

3. Stubborn Racists

The Civil War was 150 years ago. Perhaps it's time to stop holding that grudge and start holding interracial orgies. Cue Bump n' Grind.

 

2. Obese People Who Take Public Transportation

Although deep inside I am bubbling with disgust over their appearance, until these morbid f*cks begin affecting the food supply, I can generally tolerate, and even pretend to like, most fat people. But, when I get stuck next to some slob on an airplane, whose gut needs a seatbelt extension, and two-thirds of the seat I already occupy, my tolerance for their repulsive excess and excuses about a sluggish thyroid officially runs its course.

 

1. Child Molesters/Rapists

I don't want to sound like an After-School Special, but if anyone ever feels the need to rape a child, a women, or even a full-grown man (for you husky b*tches out there), call a f*ckin' hotline, talk to a trained professional, or check out the last couple pages of Kurt Cobain's biography. I hear it's inspirational.

 

Honorable Mention:

  • Chicks who try to impress men with their knowledge of sports.
  • Anyone who finds Chelsea Clinton physically attractive.
  • Surviving members of Michael Jackson's family.
  • Athletes who piss away millions.
  • People who think their Tweets are of any importance.

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.