I can't think of a more frustrating situation than romantically talking to a girl only to be completely interrupted by an outside party. It's rude, it's annoying, and to be honest, it's ruining my game. That intrusive person probably doesn't even know that he is being obnoxious and little does he know that he's destroying any chance you have at fulfilling any of those intimate desires stirring up in your head. Cock Block is the label we use to describe such scoundrels, and although they may be oblivious to the fact they're blocking in the first place, many are almost impossible to avoid. In no particular order here is a list of the 10 Cock Blocks that will ruin your game with the ladies..
1. The Girl's "Best" Guy Friend
I can't even tell you the amount of times I've been talking to a girl, being as polite and friendly as I can possibly be, only to be cornered by her "best friend" and get a father-like lecture about how he's looking out for her. Fuck off, Bro, I really don't need to hear it. If it's your sister, then fine. If it's your daughter, I get it. If it's your mother, then it's weird we're having this conversation, but I still understand. Aside from those three situations, nothing you say is of any concern to me. Just because you struck out with her freshman year and dove head first into the friend zone does not mean that she's off limits to me, or anyone else for that matter. Go make her another mix tape, maybe then she'll finally understand your true love via the lyrics of Jack Johnson's "We Belong Together."
2. The "Can You Keep It Down?" Roommate
You're most likely to find this one during your dorm-room days because chances are you'll have ditched him before it's time to move off campus. He's the guy who's in bed by 9:30 on a Thursday night (or whatever your school's big weekday drinking night is) and needs you and your girl to be quiet so he can be ready for class in the morning. All right, Brainiac, I get it if you have a big test coming up, or you're writing a paper that's due in the morning, but aside from that type of scenario, it's time to grow up (or go to the library). Just because you can't balance schoolwork and a social life should not mean that my sexual prowess has to suffer because of it. It's an old rule, Bro: Having a female over will always be taken with higher regard then your classes, so it looks like you're sleeping on the couch next door while I get some real work done tonight.
3. The Unsanitary Bro
I understand that during your undergraduate days clean clothes are harder to come by than most would think, but c'mon, Bro, have some self respect. You smell like the inside of a sweaty lax glove and your room looks like it should be on an episode of "Hoarders." If you're going to go out with this guy, make sure to avoid him while the girls are around; there's no bigger turn off than body odor and you don't want anyone thinking that you're the one who reeks. The only way to break the Unsanitary Bro's disgusting ways is an industrial strength supply of Febreeze and a relentless barrage of odor jokes. Until the day comes where he literally cleans up his act, get ready to watch girls walk away in disgust of you and your stinky ol' pal.
4. The Super Stud
Just like there's always someone tougher then you, there's always someone better looking, too. Most likely the Super Stud won't even do anything specific to cock block you, it's just the fact that he's that much better looking. Yeah, you can be jealous and get all pissed off that he's going to ruin any opportunity you may have, but I say embrace it. Good-looking Bros attract good-looking girls and let's be honest I doubt he's leaving the bar with more then one broad. Just don't expect to bring back the cream of the crop, because chances are the Super Stud's already got that on lock. A silver medal is cool with me, Bro, and should be for you too.
5. The Condom Thief
It's a situation that both males and females can relate to. After a good night at the bar or a nice date, you and your lady friend return home for some explicit endeavors, only to be brutally let down. Right around the time where things start to get hot and the clothes start coming off, she'll most likely ask for a condom. "Ahh, don't worry I have that 30 pack my mom bought me freshman year in the bottom drawer of my desk." But they're not there, or in the closet, or the bathroom, or in your wallet, so where the f*ck did they go? The Condom Thief took 'em and now because of him and his sheisty ways you're no longer getting laid. I understand it's every man for himself out there, but you should always be prepared and stealing your fellow Bro's condoms isn't cool. Just a heads up: the next time you steal a condom, I'm kicking the f*cking door down next time you have a girl in your bed.
6. The Mama Bird
Shout out to the Bromunnity for naming this epic blocker of all that is (your) cock. The Mama Bird is the notorious leader of any female clique that has no intention of letting any of her baby chicks stray from the clutch. Most likely heavy in stature and light in personality, the Mama Hen can be quite the obstacle to overcome if one of her chicks is what your heart (or dick) desires. Your best bet is to have your wingman run a recon operation and intervene. Hopefully that's long enough for you to make your move, or at least get a number so you can drunk-dial her later.
7. The Bailer
Utilizing a wingman has been a long-proven tactic for chasing tail. Wether he's jumping on a grenade, making you seem like the man, or actually hitting on your target's friend, having a good wingman makes everything easier. On the other hand, if your wingman was doing a good job but then suddenly decides to bail, leaving you with just the girls, you're f*cked. The other friend your wingman was entertaining is most likely going to want to find another guy to talk to, and is going to bring your girl with her. On the bright side, at least you got to plant a seed, but we're talking about big f*ckin' trees over here, Bro, and your M.I.A wingman just slash and burned that crop for you.
8. The Talentless Guitar Douche
Acoustic guitars are always abundant in the college setting. Whether it's in the dorms, around the quad, or even at the local coffee shop, you're bound to find someone playing nearby. Now if you can rip a guitar like Clapton, then by all means the stage is yours; but if not, then it's probably in your best interest to put the ax down before you embarrass us all. I had a roommate a few years back who would actually turn the music off during a party so he could sing hip-hop lyrics over his acoustic guitar. I also remember watching group after group of girls walk out of that party because of the noise pollution he considered to be music. So until you can find that thing called "talent," go practice in the band room by yourself before you acoustically horrify any more of the girls we know.
9. The Storyteller
The Story Teller can be one of the most fun guys to be around, but strictly when it's only the guys who are listening. He's the Bro who remembers every embarrassing story or drunken hook-up that's happened since the first day you met, and lives to re-tell it. Laughing about that time your roommates put their pubes all over your face or when you took down the 250-lb. softball pitcher is great lockerroom talk, but those stories shouldn't be publicly available to the female population. The last thing I want is the girl I'm currently talking to know anything about my past or some of the uglier situations I got into during my undergraduate tenure. So tell the loud mouth to keep his trap shut while the ladies are around or expect a pretty drastic decrease in success rate.
10. The Angry Ex-Girlfriend
Nobody, let me repeat NOBODY, can block your johnson worse then your ex-girlfriend. If the NFL is "playing the game" and your dick is "Tom Brady" then your ex is "Darrelle Revis" of the New York Jets, blocking pretty much every opportunity you have to score. She knows all the stories about you and is ready to let every one of your embarrassing qualities be known to every one of her friends, as well as every one of your targets. Most guys get pissed when they see their ex with another dude, but for you and your pen*s's sake let her screw as many guys as she can. It gives her no excuse to intervene on your game, and she'll still look like a sl*t because of those double standards we tend to live by. Best of all, you'll look like the man after every girl you dabble with. Cheers, America.