I love drinking with my friends. To be honest, I can't think of a more enjoyable pastime than throwing back a few drinks with good company. Something funny is bound to happen, your chances of getting laid increase tenfold, and it all justifies making some poor decisions with your boys. On the other hand, there are a select group of people who you want stay away from when alcohol is playing a prominent role in the setting. They're always around acting stupid or doing something obnoxious, but as much as it drives you crazy, they're not going anywhere anytime soon so it's up to you to duck them. Here is a list of the top 10 people you want to avoid while drinking, in no particular order.
1. The Brawler
Every group of guys has one, maybe even two or three. After a night of good clean drunken fun, he's the guy who loses his mind and needs to fight someone. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good fist fight as much as the next guy, but there's always someone bigger who can kick the shit out of you. If you keep it up, you're bound to meet him sooner or later. I've gotten my ass kicked and I'll never admit it was anything other then a shitty experience, so please don't drag me into your drunken rages to compensate for your Dad not hugging you enough as a kid. How about this? Tomorrow we'll sign you up for a boxing class; but for now let's just go to the diner, cause I'd rather eat some pancakes than fight House of Pain.
2. The Emotional Buddy
So your girlfriend f*cked your roommate on your one-year anniversary, big deal. There's no need to break down in tears after your third f*cking drink. It's embarrassing. I really don't feel like spending the rest of my hard-earned drunkenness talking about shit like "feelings" and "caring" so you either have to act like a man, or I'm bailing on you. The whole reason why we went out is to drink and meet some girls, so let's work on the latter part of this operation and find some new females instead of sobbing over the old ones. Go find your ex's friends and talk to them. Trust me, nothing pisses an ex off more then banging one or two of her "friends." Just please stop crying, Bro.
3. The Really Drunk Chick
Ugh, the drunk chick. God, she f*cking sucks. You can see it coming hours before the transition even happens. She's at the bar throwing back tequila shots, dancing on the barstool, and screaming out some stupid inside joke after every glass hits the table. Keep an eye on her. Soon enough you'll see her stumbling around, muttering something about her ex-boyfriend and spilling drinks all over herself. Next stop, the bathroom, where she'll cry her eyes out like a kid without presents on Christmas, while her friends hold her hair back as she projectile vomits all over the stall. Honestly, I could give a shit how sick she feels, but I was talking to one of her friends before she pulled a Lindsay Lohan, and now that friend is going to spend the rest of the night with her drunk ass instead of in my bed where she belongs. Do everyone a favor and push her towards your emotional buddy; hopefully he'll sac up and make a move because she's definitely drunk enough to make a bad decision.
4. The Jack Daniels Guy
All right, man, Jack and Coke is my drink too, but 10 shots in a row isn't putting any more hair on your chest or making you look any cooler. All those shots are going to lead to one of two endings: a fist fight, or you're going to start drunk texting and sending dirty messages to some random (probably sober) girl you had freshman seminar with. Each of these scenarios leave you the same way the next morning: all alone and hungover, with a little less self esteem. Also, they call it whiskey dick for a reason, buck-o, think with your head.
5. The Guy Who Wants to Stop Drinking and Smoke Weed
Relax man, you'll be home soon enough, then you can go f*ck your bong and put on that same Slightly Stoopid album you've been playing for the past four years. For now I'm all dressed up and ready to chase some tail and eat some beers. I'm not saying anything bad about smoking a little ganja every now and then (or everyday), but if you're in a social setting, marijuana shouldn't be the first substance you want to abuse. Spend the rest of the night with your boys, get a few drinks, then smoke that shit in the morning when everyone's all hungover, like the rest of us hard-working Americans.
6. The Overly Confident Bitch
Listen, we get it, you're hot and you know it, but so are a billion other girls on this planet and just because you had your third cranberry vodka doesn't give you the right to act like a f*cking celebrity. Go dance or something because I really don't appreciate the b*tchy looks and pompous attitude. God put you on this planet for a reason — that's to look good so we can talk about you in the lockerroom after you hit the bar dressed like a hooker who won the lotto.
7. The Male Streaker
House parties are where the Male Streaker is most likely to strike, usually between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m. You can hear the gasps and laughter from a mile away, followed by a reluctant full frontal view of male genitalia. I'll admit it, once in a while the male streaker can be funny as hell, especially if it makes people freak out or it's at a televised event. But I don't need to see my roommate's package every Friday night. One or two streaks a year is fine, but every week? C'mon, Bro, I'm over it.
8. The Guy Who Loses All His Shit
Oh shit, my IDs at home. Oh f*ck, where's my wallet? Son of a b*tch, I lost the directions. Looks like you're in for a tough night, bud, but don't ruin everyone else's plans because you can't keep your shit together. All you can do is say, "Sorry man, that sucks," and go on with you night. Otherwise you're in for a few hours of flipping over couch cushions and revisiting every place you already went that night. The only time it's all right to lose something is either your virginity or a stage-5 clinger.
9. The Girl Who Thinks That Because You're Friends on Facebook, You're Actually Friends in Real Life
Oh my god! I saw those new pics of you on vacation this week! How was it!? How's your family!? Are you still dating your girlfriend!? Its not up on Facebook!? Listen b*tch, just because we were in the same freshman orientation group and had Math 101 together two years ago does not mean that we're "Friends" by anyone's standards. We may be "Friends" on Facebook, but other than the occasional hello when we walk by each other in the quad to avoid awkwardness, I honestly don't f*cking care about you or anything that happens in your life. I bet you have 2,000 friends on Facebook, while in reality you hang out regularly with three of them. Take a lap, I'm going to get another beer.
10. The One Upper
So you say you went mountain climbing last week? Well, he climbed Mount Everest. You drank an entire 12-pack last night? He killed a 24. You hooked up with a pretty girl? He banged a celebrity. No matter what the scenario is you simply cannot beat the infamous One Upper at ANYTHING. Regardless what award you received or accolade you achieved, he has already done it and did it better then you (or at least had a "buddy" who did). Even in full sobriety, nobody likes the One Upper, so avoid him at all costs or be ready to call him out on all of his petty, probably make-believe bullshit.