This past weekend, I partook in the festivities at Citifield, home of the New York Metropolitans, and enjoyed two solid nights of Dave Matthews Band. I was fortunate enough to snag some road beers at Rosa's pizza in Penn before the Friday night show en route to a fantastic night where I'd be on field level, drinking overpriced Bud Lights, blazing, and grinding up on sl*ts. The second night I was in the stands, where much of the same occurred. Whle I was treated to two amazing concerts of patriotism and good ass country by the Zac Brown Band and phenomal jamming by DMB, I couldn't help but notice the demographic of the crowd. Dave Matthews attracts a wide range of people, and most of the girls at these shows are sl*ts, regardless of age. After recovering from this two-day extravaganza, I've come up with a list of the types of girls you'lll see at these shows.
1. Slutty Jailbait
There's nothing more that high schoolers like to do in the summer than to get f*cked up and go to concerts. Actually, this is still one of my favorite things to do. However, I've never seen more drunken high schoolers (with the exception of an O.A.R. concert) than at a DMB show. I don't consider O.A.R shows concerts though; they're purely for getting obliterated at, their music sucks. Anyway, these smokeshows in training can't get enough of disgusting shit like Joose and Four Loco, or of your dick. Watch out, though they may look hot at first, they're probably going to cling to you and not put out; more importantly, they're f*cking young as shit so stay away.
2. Raging Slutty Gingers
Gingers love Dave Matthews Band. The daywalkers were out in full force this weekend. My second night I was treated to the sight of a girl who looked like an uglier Donna from "That 70's Show" dancing all over some douchef*ck two rows in front of me. Again, stay away; they won't give you their weed and they have no souls.
3. Slutty Milfs
DMB started playing in the early '90s, and many of their first fans now have kids of their own; luckily, many of these first fans still love getting f*cked up and are still pretty damn hot. Approach the group of m.i.l.f.s that just wanted a "fun night at Dave with their friends," and avoid the ones with douchey husbands that are former Bros; they won't be able to resist a group of bros when "Crash Into Me" starts.
4. Disgustingly Slutty Fat Chicks
A fair amount of whales that are either part of groups 1 or 3 attend these shows as well. Though undoubtedly in need of a good pounding, keep your dignity and stay away from the fried dough stands to avoid them.
5. Ugly Ass Hippies Who Aren't Slutty But Are Girls and Thus Are Still Sluts
They love "Dave" for the music and could care less about riding the train to pound town. Though some may be hot, it's more worth it to just score weed off of them than to try to get with them; they're annoying as shit. Also, stop calling it "going to see Dave" — you don't know Dave Matthews, he doesn't care about you, and the other people in the band are basically more talented than him.
6. Hot Sluts That Aren't Jailbait and Aren't Yet Milfs
Many smokeshows attend DMB concerts. Often retarded, they too love "Dave," getting hammered, and are just as much on the prowl to share a special moment with a cute guy during "Two Step" as you are determined to get your dick sucked. Through the sea of tall, gangly gingers, dirty hippies, and orcas, you wil find them; so blaze up, shotgun a beer, and enjoy the music with the knowledge of knowing you will be f*cking the shit out of this girl after she gets tired of grinding up on you and the concert's over.
[photo via flickr]
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