I normally wait until Friday to write this — so I don’t miss any acts of despicable awesomeness that occurred during the whole week — but I am nowhere near the office, a computer, and hopefully a rational thought right now, so this is being posted by an auto-timer. If I missed something that happened between Thursday and Friday, I apologize dearly, but I have a feeling you all understand that a man needs a day off from time to time. Anyway, below is a list of men who all did something their parents would be proud of this week.
(so many captions for this)
5. LeBron James
King James is headlining what has been said to be the most impressive free agent class in NBA history. For months the monkeys on SportsCenter have been fabricating stories, scenarios, and pulling slaphappy ideas out of their collective asses about where LeBron will go and what team will become exponentially better with him on it. The entire league is hanging from his balls right now and as sore as they probably are from that, it must hurt so good to have all that power.
4. Southern Bros
Under the intense scrutiny of Intern Tim the last few days, Bros in the South have felt both loved and hated on. In case you are just catching up, on Wednesday Tim was applauded for his kind words and 20 reasons why the South is a fantastic place to matriculate. But then on Thursday, his article about what he dislikes in the South was met with sheer admonishment and actual boycotts of BroBible. While we hope those were just empty threats and you can forgive Tim for his hatred of manners and man bangs, we admire the passion and fire the Southern Bros showed this week.
3. Mike Tyson and Gary Busey
Year after year these two huckleberries with end-of-June birthdays are probably front runners in plenty of death pools but I’ll be damned if they don’t just keep on living. I love these crazy f*cks and I just want to say that both of them did a really superb job on not dying this year.
2. John Hancock
“May God bless America and no place else,” were the words that (I like to believe) crept from his mouth as he signed the Declaration of Independence with his fancy feathered pen in the days of yesteryear. And to think that so many years later it was that same signed doc*ment, the spirit of a nation, and a killer speech by Bill Pullman, of all people, that helped us reclaim our independence from alien insurgents yet again. Wait, what?
1. American Soldiers
These brave men are an obvious choice for our July 4th Bros of the Week and if you’re not in agreement with this selection then I suggest that you go waterboard yourself. War is a fact of life, and people all have different opinions on it — except the War on drugs, most people agree that we should just leave drugs alone. No matter what your stance is on this current war or any other in history, these men (and women) lay their lives on the line everyday, no questions asked, so the rest of us can enjoy America’s freedoms. They deserve all the gratitude in the world and far more praise than just being the Bros of the Week.