For the past few weeks my computer has been out of commission due to a virus that I must have downloaded. As irony would have it, this time without an Internet connection has only intensified my love for the pinnacle of modern luxuries: free internet adult entertainment. Without PornHub and its ilk, guys must resort to Skinemax, "Cathouse 24," or, for those who don't pony up for the premium channels, infomercials. Without further ado, I've compiled a list of the hottest babes of late night infomercials to whom you may have whacked it in times of sheer desperation. These are listed in no particular order, since those who find themselves in similar circ*mstances typically have no other choice.
1. Erica Shaffer
Product: The Shake Weight
This modern classic really doesn't leave much to the imagination. Bite your lip and close your eyes, and let these girls take you to sweet handshake paradise. (By the way, Tiffany Cooper ain't bad either.)
2. Lesley Ann Machado
Product: Rosetta Stone
With a rack like that, she could move that product in any language. I'm glad someone finally canned the Muzzy woman.
3. Mimi Umidon
Product: Magic Bullet
Technically speaking, I'm not sure I actually find her attractive. However, in her capacity as lead female spokesperson for one of the most successful infomercials of all time, there's been plenty of time to convince myself that she'd know how to handle my magic bullet.
4. Suzanne Sommers
Product: Thigh Master
The original. I probably haven't choked it to this one since middle school.
5. Jillian Michaels
Product: 30 Day Shred Workout Videos
As if it wasn't bad enough coming home by yourself after a night of hard drinking, the next day you'll realize Jillian Michaels sure must look a whole lot more like her dad than her mom.
6. Bridgetta Tomarchio
After countless rigorous uncontrolled trials, there's no doubt that this Extenze girl is scientifically proven to increase the size of that certain part of the male body.
7. Lucy Garcia and Maria Guardia
Product: Karakol Kream
Whether it's a telenovela or an anuncio like this, the Mexicans clearly have us beat in the casting department. I don't know what they're saying or which one is Lucy and I don't care.
8. Leslie A. Blodgett
Product: Bare Minerals
For those times when you're down to the bare essentials of late-night basic cable and have nothing but time on your hands and calluses to whittle. No doubt her assistant is the focal point.
9. Jessica Simpson and friends
There's nothing better than someone who never really had acne providing testimonial for acne cures, as long as she is stacked like Jessica Simpson.
10. Darla Taun
Product: Nuwave Oven
Tuning out Mr. T is about as easy as getting your fat girlfriend to put out at 4:30 a.m.; it's possible but not worth the upper body soreness the next day.
Did I leave out your favorite late night consumer marketing specialist? Let me know in the comments...