This is the latest installment of Ask A Bro with Waffles McButter. Got a question of your own for Waffles? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also now follow Waffles on Twitter or be his friend on Facebook.
I have been sleeping with this chick behind my girlfriend's back and it's gotten to the point that I need to just break up with my girl. Problem is, my girlfriend is going to completely freak when I do this. What is the best way to do this as painlessly as possible and should I tell her about the other girl?
Before I talk about methodologies on how to shatter a human heart, let me just offer this advice: Do not date the girl you are currently f*cking on the side. Get back into the game for a while, see what else is out there. Of course your dick and her vag*na can continue to mimic an oil derrick, but just remember to keep your options open. You're
going to be fresh out of a relationship and there is no reason to dive right into another one. Especially in the summer, when nothing seems to quench a young lad's thirst more than a freshly squeezed vag*na.
As for your current, and soon to be former, girlfriend, no matter what method you use to drop the ax, she is always going to freak. She is a senseless chick and that's what they do, especially if the devastating blow comes out of nowhere. In breaking up with her, though, all that really should matter to you, if you even want it to matter, is how you look coming out of this whole situation. As far as I can tell, you have no vengeance or angst towards her, so I think you should be a man and tell her in person. Any other way is going to leave you looking like a douche bag and a coward. But, doing it over the phone is acceptable in those situations where dumping her face to face is not an option. Like if you are doing long distance or if she is a card-carrying member of the NRA.
Whatever you do, forget about text messaging, Facebook, or other typed methods, because that will really solidify your status as the town douche once your ex tells everyone you broke up with her that way. And she will tell everyone.
As for getting her up to speed about this other hoe that you and your dick have been mingling with, I wouldn't bother. It's only going to make you look like a sc*mbag (which you are, but that's not the point) and it's going to crush her even more. But, in the event that you want to crush her and make her feel about an inch tall then let the full-fledged honesty commence. Tell her why you did it, in grave and otherwise unnecessary detail. Even if it stings her now, your honesty just might result in her being able to finally pleasure a man down the road. And in some sick way, that is the greatest gift of all.
P.S. Quick shout out to Swilly Swillz, all his boys, and everyone else I met at the concert on Friday. Next year, we are going to have a Waffles kissing booth. Ready your tongues, ladies.