You know what cracks me up? When Megan Fox gives interviews. Usually Mega Fox’s interviews are surprisingly candid for an A-list goddess. She has quite a reputation for dishing about all kinds of subjects, ranging from bisexuality to smoking weed to hand-jobs and strip clubs. Allure recently dressed Fox in some sort of bizarre, space age Jetsons bikini and sat down with Hollywood’s most titillating starlet to discuss her upcoming summer thriller, “Jonah Hex.” As a general rule of thumb, Fox makes awful movies; however, it’s worth noting the movie has a spicy sex scene (Fox’s first on film), so you might want to look into queuing it up on Netflix down the road.
Anyway, Fox still hasn’t learned how to censor herself, dishing to Allure about her obsessive compulsive disorder and how she wants to do physical harm to the person who shot a nekked picture of her last year. She drops an impressive six f-bombs in the interview, claiming “I’m not a fu**ing reality-TV star that’s courting the paparazzi and wants my fu**ing picture taken all the time.” We get it: She isn’t even in the same galaxy as Snooki.
The more Fox speaks to the press, the more we’re increasingly convinced she would be an awful, borderline psychotic girl to date. Yes, she may be the hottest women walking planet earth and your Bro license should be revoked if you even flinch at an opportunity to spend the night with her. Yet, we’re almost certain she’s a bat-shit crazy girlfriend. We’re going to prove our point with her own words, compiled from her magazine quotes. 10 reasons you wouldn’t want to date Megan Fox after the jump.
She doesn’t flush…
“I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, “Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.” —FHM, June 2007
Sure, it’s no big deal when your buddy takes a dump and rallys everyone up around the commode to see the impressive masterpiece that he just birthed through his colon. However, it takes on a different dimension of grossness when a girl — or especially a girlfriend — leaves a turd the size of zucchini as some sort of stinky, mid-morning surprise when you lift up the seat. Ladies, neglecting to flush is always unsettling, no matter how many taquitos you wolfed down between Cabo Wabo margaritas.
She farts a lot (and talks about it)…
“If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like — you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on ‘Transformers’ always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.” —GQ, October 2008
The fact she gets some dutch oven action going on while filming movies is just as disturbing as not flushing.
She doesn’t have a lot (or lies about) her experience in the bedroom…
“I’ve only been with two men my entire life, my childhood sweetheart and Brian [Austin Green]. I can never have sex with someone that I dont love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.” —Harper’s Bazaar UK, March 2010
Most of us snickered back in March when Fox told Harper’s she has only slept with two people in her entire life. Whether it’s true or not means two very different things, both of which mean she would be horrendious to date. If she’s telling the truth and has only slept with two people, she may not be as blissful in the bedroom as most of us can dream. If she lied to Harper’s, then she’s a liar. And that’s never a good thing.
If you have a child with her, she’s going to name him Brian…
“I wouldn’t regret [my “Brian” tattoo] if we weren’t together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options.” —FHM, June 2007
Not that there’s anything wrong with the name “Brian.” It just seems a little freakishly Oedipal that she wants to name her kid after one of the two people she once slept with.
She hates being called “beautiful”…
“I just don’t like being called sexy, it embarrasses me. I’m in a situation where I get lots of compliments all the time. I’m very lucky. People tell me that I am beautiful and that I am sexy all day but I hate it. I don’t know how to react. It’s embarrassing. How would you feel if people called you the most sexy person in the world ALL day? It’s strange, you know.” — People, June 2009
Total crap shoot here: Fox probably prefers being called “beautiful” rather than being called “Ugly as syphilic horse that was rejected by the knackery.”
She’s a loner…
“I could go days, weeks without talking to another human being. I could probably go months and be perfectly satisfied. Easily. It’s the opposite of being needy, but at the same time, I don’t know if I would want to be in a relationship with someone who required as much alone time as I require.” —Allure, June 2010
“I have no friends and I never leave my house.” —Times of London, June 2009
For the record, we’re definitely all about Fox’s stance on not being needy, especially if it means one gets more time to chill with his Bros. However, what’s the point of being a Hollywood starlet if you don’t have a coterie of famous friends to hang out with on a Friday and Saturday night? We know Megan Fox likes to toke up, but these quotes make us believe she’s hardly the most exciting person to socially partake in a puff-puff pass session. Her hermetic quest for constant alone time could quickly become a vacuum of self-loathing and pity, which would definitely be a dealbreaker. In other words, she would be a great girlfriend until you get through your Netflix queue and OD on popcorn, but that’s about it as far as having a social life.
She’s doesn’t know what to think about guys…
“I’m so suspicious of boy
n. I just don’t like them or trust them…. I’ve always gotten along better with boys.” —Elle, June 2009
Even if she gets along with you, she probably won’t trust you for quite a while.
She hates eating out…
“Putting my mouth where a million other mouths have been, just knowing all the bacteria that you carry in your mouth? Ucch!” —Allure, June 2010
If you work as a Starbucks barista or you’re a miserly pennypincher, you might consider this a pro rather than a con. However, most of us enjoy a decadent meal in a restaurant once in a while. In the June issue of Allure, she claims her crippling OCD keeps her from using the silverware when going out to eat.
She refuses to cook, even for herself…
“I’ll starve to death before I’ll cook for myself. I think I could survive a week without eating.” —Allure, June 2010
Nothing irks a feminist more than bringing up gender stereotypes like cooking and cleaning. Whatever. In this day and age, it’s rare to find a guy who doesn’t cook, even if it consists of a steady rotation of chicken wings, pork chops, and steak on the grill five days a week. What’s the point in being in a committed relationship with someone who refuses to share domestic duties, including whipping up her family’s secret recipe for homemade pasta primavera every other week? The fact that she refuses to cook for herself makes it even worse, considering most Bros past the age of 22 enjoy having a girlfriend who’s self-suffiencent and independent. By the way, if she doesn’t cook and doesn’t like restaurants, what does that leave? A whole lot of Arby’s takeout.
She wants to hurt you…
“My temper is ridiculously bad. I’ve had to say to Brian, ‘You have to go and stop talking to me, because I’m going to kill you. I’m going to stab you with something, please leave.’ I’d never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn’t shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure.” —Rolling Stone, September 2009
“I think that I’m so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.” —Entertainment Weekly, June 2009
“Before I go onstage anywhere, I take a Xanax now.” —GQ, October 2008
I want more like this!
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