Note from Waffles: To have the chicks at your school/alma mater dissected or if you are a feminist swine with a bone to pick, email me at WafflesMcButter@BroBible.com.
I know it has been awhile since our last College Chick Breakdown but I am dead-set on resurrecting this series. If for no other reason I want to do it because it’s so enjoyable to see how pissed off uptight tw*ts get when I take factual information, from anonymous students, and weave it into a warm and cozy blanket of misogynistic truths. So without further ado and straight from the mouths of a few current students (and slightly massaged by me), we discuss Syracuse University, located in Upstate New York.
Syracuse, as one well-spoken source put it, is the matrimonial union of a large state school with Ivy League wealth, an unstoppable combination. This mishmash of money and size not only make the school attractive for potential students but it also allows Syracuse the ability to compete at the highest level in major-market sports like basketball and football (O.K., not so much) and also field top-ranked teams in less publicized, but generally more affluent, sports like lacrosse.
The Looks Department
What makes ‘Cuse unique is that it is a big private school, which means that (practically) every girl comes from money. So if God didn’t give them natural beauty, their father will hire a skilled butcher to do so. What prosperous man would want to work hard all of his life just to have to his daughter’s tricked-out nose and razor sharp chin ruin the family portrait? No loving father would stand for it.
All the girls manage to look pretty good, they dress the part and if they don’t think they look good enough, they have the foresight to go on what our one source calls the “DCCCC diet,” which is a potent arrangement of Diet Coke, cocaine, celery, cigarettes, and coffee. Fat b*tches, reread that last line until it soaks in. Thanks.
Syracuse alumna Vera Fermiga, star of “Up in the Air.”
Every girl at Syracuse absolutely loves sucking cock. They do it feverishly and with impossible enthusiasm. Fuck going to the health center, Bros; if you have genital warts, the chicks at ‘Cuse will suck them right off your dick. Actually, that probably isn’t 100% accurate, but after talking to our Bros on the inside, I’m sure that at least 94% of the females at ‘Cuse hope to die from chocking on a dick while the other 6% want to eat your feces and be asphyxiated. No questions asked.
From my several conversations with students, I gathered two things: one, the aforementioned cock lust and, two, when a Syracuse girl wakes up in the morning, she thinks about what guy she is going to fall in love with and that she will do whatever it takes to get that Bro. No matter the night, that girl will be in it to win it. As our source says, “They always have their game face on and they are always looking for a stuffing.” His words not mine; I even used quotation marks to prove it.
The big nights on ‘Cuse’s campus are Tuesday through Saturday with a Sunday Day Chay thrown in just to keep things honest. That rigorous party schedule — which is maintained by true Bros — leaves only Monday as a day of rest. Starting with Tuesday, below is a quick breakout of what a week of partying at ‘Cuse might look like.
Tuesday: Students hit Lucy’s surfer bar for their two-for-one special. Sounds like my kind of brothel.
Wednesday: Faegan’s Flip Night. Faegan’s is a bar that offers up a high-stakes game of heads or tails on Wednesday nights. Basically, when you order your beer you flip a coin and if you guess the flip correctly, your drink is free but if you don’t, one of Faegan’s bouncers will nonchalantly waltz over and fire a carpentry nail right through the heart of your testicle. Or, if you aren’t a part of the whole punctured-testicle revolution, you will just be required to pay for your drink.
Thursday: This night will either take students to Harry’s bar or back to Lucy’s.
Friday: The night kicks off early with happy hour at Chuck’s. They have drink and food specials and the place holds about 400 people. This is a great place to plant a few seeds for later. Friday night, after happy hour, is the party night. We’re told that there is basically no bar scene on Friday nights and all festivities take place at fraternities or off-campus houses.
Saturday: The occasional party happens on Saturday but this night is usually another bar night at Lucy’s or Harry’s.
Sunday: Chay… at all costs.
Monday: Bros take this night off to recharge their livers and sometimes also use this as an opportunity to open a text book, but usually not because Bros are genetically smart as shit.
Other than the bars mentioned above, Darwin’s, Blue Tusk, Limerick’s, Maggie’s, and PJ Dorsey’s are a few places that SU students go to.
Syracuse has 20 sororities but our source wanted to break them out by the six that really matter. All others, in his prejudiced eyes, are apparently non-applicable.
Kappa Kappa Gamma: Hottest broads. No more information required.
Tri Delt: Not as welcoming as Kappa and slightly waspier.
Delta Gamma: They sometimes take girls based on personality. Huge mistake.
Alpha Epsilon Phi: These girls are highly liquid and most are from Northern Jersey or Long Island.
Sigma Delta Tau: SDT is much like AEP in that they have vaults of money and their parking lot looks like a f*cking car show.
Alpha Chi Omega: In order to compensate for being out of the top 5, these girls stay relevant by putting out. If loving dick was the only requirement for this list, I suspect that they would take top honors.
Here is how the girls at Cuse stack up in certain areas (note: For the grading, I took the averages of what each guy submitted):
Willingness to f*ck (DTF): B+
Daddy’s bank roll:
Alcohol Consumption: B+
Interest in Athletics: B-
Maintenance Level: C+
Prevalence of Fake Tits: B-
Overall Grade: A-
Cuse alumna Megyn Kelly, of Fox News.
Here is a list of the breakdowns that will be coming in the next month or so. Thanks again for all of your help, without it these articles would not be possible.
- Penn State University
- University of Texas
- Clemson University
- University of Southern California
Previous College Breakdowns:
- University of Miami
- University of California, Santa Barbara
- Marquette University
- James Madison University
- Arizona State University
- Johns Hopkins University
- Indiana University
- Loyola University
- Trinity College
- Villanova University
- University of Alabama
ATTENTION: We really want to get an Ivy League school done, so anyone out there with extensive knowledge of a quality Ivy, email me. Be sure to include details and all the pertinent info that I would need.