If You Can Relate To Any Of These 11 Moments At The Gym Then You’re Clearly A Moron Who Uses The Gym Wrong

Every now and then a video slides across my computer screen that sounds interesting, but then turns out to be a ridiculous pile of stupid. Case in point? “11 Gym Moments That Are The Worst,” which should actually be titled “11 Gym Moments That Only Happen To Stupid Idiots Who May Or May Not Have Suffered Severe Head Trauma At Some Point During Their Childhood.”  I have a LOT of time to kill tonight, so let’s break this down one by one:

Moment #1: Ermagherdd there’s someone in front of me at the water fountain, WHAT DO I DO?!! It’s not like I can, y’know, find another water fountain. That’s impossible!

Moment #2: Oh no no, don’t help me lift this bar I can do it myself! Oh wait JUST KIDDING I can’t so I’m going to lay here and eventually suffocate myself by letting it rest on my chest. Oh sweet sweet death, how I have longed for thee.

Moment #3: She is…staring at the machine of the girl running next to her. I don’t see how this is a problem. Maybe she has ADD? Or she’s just a nosy little twat who likes to bring problems unto herself. Both are acceptable answers.

Moment #4: I am too stupid to follow diagrammed directions. How I managed to set up all of the IKEA furniture in my apartment is a mystery, and my parents now regret blowing $30K a year on a college education that was clearly a complete and utter waste on me.

Moment #5: Still waiting at the same water fountain because I have nothing better to do than stare at this guy in a crappy tie-dye shirt and not exercise.

Moment #6: I have either somehow contracted Parkinson’s disease and have lost all control of my body, or I am ~30 seconds away from being kicked off of this machine because I’m about to injure myself and become a potential lawsuit.

Moment #7: Hmmm, so far it’s clear that I can’t use cardio or weight machines in a normal manner, so to compensate for that let’s go pick up the HEAVIEST FREEWEIGHT AVAILABLE because OBVIOUSLY these will be easier to use oh wait except they’re not and downnnn to the floor I go.

Moment #8: I’m napping on machines because if I’m not smart enough to figure out how to use a treadmill I am most likely homeless and the streetlamp I sleep under keeps me awake all night.

Moment #9: Let’s set a timer for myself while I’m on a stationary bike because it’s not like precisely 100% of all modern exercise equipment have their own timers.

Moment #10: Back to the water fountain. How this girl hasn’t died from thirst is a mystery to me.

Moment #11: Let’s take a selfie of me doing absolutely nothing worthwhile at the gym so I can post it to my Instagram with the hashtags #Gym #Sweat #NoPainNoGain, followed immediately by me stuffing my face with the Doritos I’m hoarding in my locker.

Moment #12: Did you think I was kidding about the Doritos? I wasn’t.

Oh look, I counted 12 moments of failure rather than 11. Do I care? No.

And has anyone ELSE noticed that this guy is in every Buzzfeed video?!!

I hate his mustache. I hate that mustache so much you little Hipster piece of shit. I hope you fall asleep while drunkenly eating Fritos one night and get a bunch of crumbs stuck in that stache, then inhale them while you’re sleeping and accidentally suffocate yourself to death.

Rant over.