New Year’s is right around the corner which means tons of people around the world are preparing to lie to themselves as we speak. Below is a list of 10 common New Years Resolutions and what they actually mean.

Lose Weight/Get in Shape
I’m going to go to the gym for like 3 weeks and when I don’t see any results I’m gonna go ahead and stop. I live in a society where everything happens instantly and if my workout results don’t, then fuck it.

Eat Healthy
They say you are what you eat and this past year I was supersized! I’m going to try and eat healthy so that I feel like I’m not a complete piece of shit, but in a week everyday is going to be my cheat day.

Drink Less Alcohol
HAHA who am I kidding? I’m an alcoholic. This might last until I’m not hung-over from New Year’s Eve.

Do Better In School
I’m really gonna try and go to class twice a week if I’m not too busy playing Madden or if I didn’t go out the night before. But C’s get degrees so it’s not even like that big of a deal anyways.

Get a Better Job
I’m gonna send out my resume to like 2 places and if I hear back I might take a sick day to interview for the position. If not, at least I have a job in this economy.

Manage Debt
I’m gonna make sure all my debt is consolidated and make my payments on time. But I hate Sallie Mae and I resent that I had to take out student loans… DEFERRMENT 1 more time!

Quit Smoking
I’m gonna buy Nicorette and never chew it. I mean, if I didn’t have smoke breaks, where would I find my “me time?”

Recycle
The earth needs our help and this is one way that I can make a difference…I have to fill out a form to recycle? Ugh, the earth isn’t that important to me.

Save Money
I’m gonna put away $20 from every paycheck into a saving account. But eventually I’ll find a way to spend that money on something and close the account. Instant gratification always beats out future planning!

Take a Trip
At some point I’m going to go somewhere that’s not my home. Even if it’s 15 minutes up the road, to my girlfriend’s house.

Volunteer
I want to help out the community any way that I can. Wait, they don’t pay to volunteer? I live by the words of rappers, “M.O.E.” sorry community but someone else will care.

Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who already broke his New Years resolution by not having any New Years resolutions. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.