Let’s face facts: it takes all kinds to make the Tinder go round. And reader Juan Malo (we’re lead to believe this is an alias) wrote a list about the chicks you’ll see on the site. In his email he said, “Just got the tinder app. And if taken seriously it’s online dating essentially and for total dweebs. This list I made is in response to Betches 12 Dudes You Meet on Tinder.”
Usually she is surrounded by 4-10 other chicks in her profile picture and either has no other photos or the additional photos are also with 4-10 other chicks. So not only do you not know which one she is but you don’t have time to figure this shit out so you quickly reject and move on.
Like the Enigma, the Dog usually puts smokes or other cuties in her pics, you inevitably will find and identify her and realize quickly why she is not on the top 10 list of greatest selfies ever sent. Jailbait
Yes. She is 18-20 and probably has severe daddy issues. Still she is a smoke show and so physically fit, tight, and ready to experience the world/dick that you just can’t click that like button quick enough. However, she will probably never match you because your age and receding hairline remind her of her dad who she hates. And if she does match you it is only because you remind her of her dad who she hates and desperately wants your attention.
This girl is usually making a duck face with a red solo cup raised high in the air with shitty gas station glasses on. That or sitting on top of a keg looking just absurd. This girl is probably a great come with gal but her sexting game would more closely resemble your dude conversations about how Jeremy Lin sucks dick since he went to Houston. No thanks.
Usually between 28-35 she is kind of hot and usually matches with you if you aren’t a total beast. She may even message you. But be careful. Baggage is not easily taken off of these 747’s and generally the stretch marks alone are deal breakers for a mid-twenties brew like yourself.
The Dream Girl
You finally found her. All this time on this planet and you meet this girl on fucking tinder. She is a total smoke. Perfect hair, eyes, body, style, you name it. Problem is, even if she does match you she probably has a boyfriend who she “loves” and just wants get a brief bit of titillation during her lunch break at Sporkle or some bullshit PR firm that only hires smokes. Dream on my friend.
Your Potential Second Wife
This girl is so right up the girl next door alley you may actually want to get a ring that doesn’t come out of a cracker jack box. You want to take her off the market immediately. Usually not as hot as the dream girl and certainly young (18-20 range again) but definitely has that sweet demeanor in her five pics that make you want to take her home to momma. She will probably match you because she is too nice and naïve for her own good but that first dick pic is probably going to ruin it so why bother.
The Friend Zone Special
You and this girl have 50 mutual friends and she is, for all intensive purposes, a friend. Which is great and you will have a 95% match success rate but it’s a total waste of time. Just text the fuckin girl so you can go watch Disney movies and talk about how Betches Love This Site is the greatest thing since boyshorts underwear came out (which its not because EVERYONE loves boyshorts).
Dangerous and probably a bartender. Most likely will try to play guess what nation my full sleeve arm tattoo is from. Good news: going to match with you. Bad news: also likely break your dick off. Proceed with caution.
Your Bro’s GF
Nuff said. Not gonna match you and probably going to send you a text about how she is just messing around and not actually interested in tinder. You, not really giving a fuck, say yea cool and say you only do it for fun too when in fact you are trying to up your smoke show ratio. Either way, you aren’t that guy and your bro is probably going to get tinder in two weeks anyway. Best to ignore it like any message from that other tinder girl you accidentally liked by flicking to the right instead of the left.
The Reach Girl
Holy shit, she matched you. But you can’t message her cause then you are a creep. Just give up. Tinder is stupid if you take it seriously. Continue ruthlessly rating girls and not messaging them but dreaming about your life together if only you hadn’t seen their fucking tinder page.