We’ve all experienced a hangover in our lives so I will spare you the cute, little intro blurb about why it’s so important to have water and what it feels like to wake up in a place you don’t know.
Everyone is familiar with the pain and the recovery process, but what people often don’t think about — and this is because they’re hung-over, obviously — is how worse off they could really be.
Whenever I hear hangover complaints at a diner or a pool or someplace nice, I always look at the glass half full. At least I’m not in any of these ten places…
This one is pretty self explanatory so I won’t elaborate much, but waking up in jail or the drunk tank always means that you a) fucked up majorly b) will end up having to pay a ridiculous fee and c) have spent the night with dozens of men/women that you would never otherwise encounter in the outside world. All of these factors make for an awful place to be hung-over, not to mention the lack of freedom. You can’t leave until you’re processed and released and even then the hangover is still raging and you don’t have any of the necessary recovery remedies — i.e. water, marijuana and aspirin.
Now this one may not seem anywhere in the vicinity of jail, and you’re probably right — it isn’t, but going to church with a hangover is one of the most brutal experiences one can ever have. Where to begin? Well, there’s the constant standing and sitting procedure. There’s the loud-ass organ. There’s babies crying and wailing. There’s the smell of 20-30 old people congregating in a condensed space. And most of all, there’s the images of a dying Christ surrounding you as the priest talks about his death and how he sacrificed his life for your futile, pathetic existence. It’s an endurance test with God that I’d recommend avoiding at all costs.
3. Stuck in Traffic
Combine the extreme impatience that comes from being hung-over with and bumper-to-bumper traffic and you get one of the most deathly cocktails in the entire world. I’d almost rather choose jail. There’s nothing worse than sitting around in traffic pondering why it is that cars congest so hideously when there’s absolutely no construction, no accident and no traffic from people leaving work. All the while, your enragement at the situation has no impact on it whatsoever because its completely out of your control. More on this later.
Going to work hung-over is really a lost art form. Guys used to do it in the 50s and 60s all the time, but somewhere along the timeline of life the practice changed and became a taboo, and probably for good reason.
Nowadays, you can’t let anyone at the office you went out drinking the night before because if that information circulates and then goes up the ladder to a manager, then you may be in said manager’s doghouse for a long, long time. Worse off, you have to actually DO work hung-over, which is far away from fun and pleasurable, and it has to look like you are competent even though you blatantly are not.
Similar to traffic in the sense you’re in a situation that is entirely out of your control. If your plane is delayed on the runway, what on earth can you do to change it? Jack shit. Nothing is more infuriating to a hung-over person than being unable to control their recovery process and any mode of transportation usually denies this basic liberty. Trains, buses and boats all could make this list, however, what makes airports stand out among its competitors is the security line, the crammed space and the possibility of a baby crying all the way from LA to New York.
6. Family Reunion
If you come from a family where boozing is shunned, this could be even higher on the list. Fortunately, my family doesn’t look down on drinking, but that doesn’t make having a hangover in front of them any easier. There’s the constant barrage of questions that come at an incessant rate. There’s the denial of space to walk around. There’s the feeling of rudeness if you’re caught not listening or caught looking down.
But most important, there’s pulsating urge to just tell the person across from you that you’re nursing a massive hangover and want to be left alone. They’re your blood, they should understand, right? Wrong. Admitting a hangover at a family reunion is actually the only way to make this situation worse because it opens the floodgates to more questions and more looks. Not to mention, everyone knows you’re hung-over so they begin treating you like a child which is always awful.
The drunken walk to class always feels right, with the “at least I’m going to class” mindset blasting in your head along with the “I can do this” mantra. However, the reality of your bad decision strikes home immediately as you walk through the classroom doors. You spend the next hour, if you can last that long, regretting every step you took to get there and wondering what it would have been like to just stay in bed and rest if off instead of playing hero student.
Let me say this to all of you still in school: no class is THAT important. Stay in bed if you’re hung-over, you’re not going to learn shit anyways so why even bother.
8. Any Place with Little Kids
I couldn’t find an umbrella location that would summarize this sufficiently so I went broad and cast my fish net over all places with little kids — preschools, playgrounds, etc. Similar to hearing babies crying at church or on your airplane, being around little kids while you’re nursing a hangover is absolutely treacherous, mainly because they’re so innocent that they’re incapable of comprehending your suffering. Also, they scream, cry, pout and shit everywhere, so there’s that part too.
Have you ever made the reckless decision of going to the gym hung-over? I know people that do it every weekend and my reaction never wavers. I always give them the eyebrow raised look that the Rock made famous back in the glory days of the WFF and tell them to call me in 25 minutes when they’re leaving the gym exhausted and full of regret.
I seriously don’t get this practice at all, especially the stubbornness of people who can’t learn from their mistakes and keep repeating the error, and that’s why I don’t partake in it. Fitness and recreation should be left for someone who is not recovering from significant dehydration and suffering a mind-splitting headache.
I debated including this on the list, considering the fact that if you’re in Europe life must be going pretty good. Nonetheless, it belongs here for a bevy of reasons depending on what country you are in.
In terms of mainland Europe — I’m thinking particularly France as well as Italy; the people are even more hostile and snooty when they recognize that you’re indeed hung-over. Moreover, they’re unsympathetic to caring for any needs you may have, because, well, you’re a tourist and it’s there country and if you don’t like it you can get out (this is a global mindset, not just an American one). Most importantly, they charge for water! As we’ve gone over here already, no water = terrible place for a hangover.
In terms of the northern, island countries in Europe — Ireland and England if you’re geography is abysmal, there is no so such thing as a hangover to these people so don’t even think about complaining of having one. I made that mistake when I was in Dublin last summer and an Irishman looked at me like a had seven heads and told me to sack up, which I did by having a half dozen Guinness’s.
With all this said, the moral here is don’t let Europeans catch on that you’re hung-over cause they will treat you like garbage and make you want to retreat to your hotel room.