9. The Creep
The year-after-year winner of the highly coveted “Most Likely to Rape a Co-Worker Award.” Your uncomfortable stares and cigarette breath are only out-shined by your complete lack of hygiene and inch-long nostril hair. How you have not been convicted of a sex crime is truly remarkable. I can only deduce that you've perfected the art of hiding human remains. And for that I am forced to commend you.
8. The Ass Kisser
It is probably a misnomer to refer to this person simply as an “ass kisser,” since this guy or girl would easily eat the janitor's dick cheese if it meant a promotion. Even if a promotion wasn't on the line, they'd probably scoop it up with a few Tostitos just to show how much they love the company. While most of us are generally selfish pricks who won't lift a finger to lend a hand, the Ass Kisser runs around the office like his dick's just caught fire, making small talk about the climate and kissing every ass in a mile-wide radius. If this overly enthusiastic tool is in your office, you probably hope to be present on the day he perishes.
7. Megaphone Mouth
You are easily 100 yards away yet I can hear every fucking word you're saying — even with headphones on. Apparently it would take nothing short of a sonic boom to drown out your voice. This individual — and I am not trying to be sexist here — is usually a female between the ages of 35 and 50. Depending on her lifestyle, her topics of choice to shout to the entire office range from her children's unspectacular accomplishments to her new low-carb diet (which, by the way, is not working) to her love life and how men are all the same. I miss you the least.
6. Boss Buzz-Word
This asshole pretty much describes every boss I've ever had. He can't complete a sentence without throwing some ridiculous phrase in it. “You know, you can't see the forest through the trees.” Or “Jim, this is a living, breathing doc*ment that will evolve overtime and I want you to quarterback the efforts to see that it gets done.” I wish I could make that up, but I was literally up to my chiseled tits in that type of shit.
5. The Micro Manager
In our lifetime, we will all likely encounter this venereal disease of a human being. Their deadlines to complete work are unreasonable (since they themselves have never performed the task), their “work” laugh is incredibly fake, and they can be found looking over your shoulder all day while making snide remarks like, “Hey Todd, how's that report for Johnson and Johnson coming? It's going to be on my desk today, right?” Meanwhile the report is 25 pages, single-spaced, and he gave you the assignment that morning. I once had a boss like this and while I wished him no physical harm, I often yearned to void my bowels in his mouth.
4. The Nark
You're a good-for-nothing rat fink. And that is far worse than being a brown-noser. You have the relentless need to drag others down in order for your career to be a success. You are the cock block of the office — no one is allowed to get away with anything in your presence. I don't understand your motives; all I can guess is that what you have in your underwear can only be described as the straw to a Capri Sun.
3. The Tech Geek
O.K., you're smarter than me, I get it. But you don't have to be a condescending prick about it. I don't make it a point to belittle you by mentioning how much p*ssy I get. Do I? Hell, I'd wager that you've never seen the inside of a skillfully manicured, tight, delicious vag*na, while the only time I have a dry spell is when I physically run out of sperm. Now fix my fucking computer.
2. Gossip Girls
Yep, I'm about to be sexist again, so buckle up. And cackle all you want ladies, but you pigeon-holed yourselves. It is a fact that guys only swap gossip about who in the office they have fucked and who they want to fuck. And that's not so much gossip as it is awesome. Girls, on the other hand, talk and spout off about other people's business. “You know I heard Jane had three abortions when she was younger…” Next thing you know this bit of info gets escalated up to Jane's boss, who is a pro-life “c-word,” and she in turn finds a way to fire Jane. Four months later I call an escort service and who shows up to my door? You guessed it, Jane. Moral of the story: If you had an abortion in your teens, you're likely to fuck me for cold hard cash later in life. Not such a bad penance now that I think about it.
1. The Janitor
This mother fucker is the coolest guy with the best job in the building. He does his own work, he cleans up after me when I miss the pisser, he gets high off all the chemicals he carts around, if he so chooses he can go entire weeks without speaking to anyone, and he has the potential to get his asshole munched by the Ass Kisser. Depending on his sexuality that can be a very good or very bad thing.