1. The Grill Master
My party, I’m grilling. Period. That’s the rule every real man has lived by since the birth of the grill itself. There’s nothing better then grilling dogs and burgers and steaks for your boys in your own backyard. Sweet and simple. Enter the grill master. He will come up to you when your grilling and start making simple conversation, which is fine. Then he will start making comments about the food and your grilling technique, which is unacceptable. This guy is just getting started. Next comes his own grilling advice, like Bros really need advice on how to grill. Step by step he will try to take over your post, your grill. Do you think Tony Soprano would stand by and let Richie Aprile take over his grill? Hell no. So if the grill master is in full-court-press mode, hit him in the dick with your spatula and tell him to use his cooking skills to go make a cake or salad or something women do. Post protected, now grab a beer and grill that meat.
2. The Girl Who is Difficult About Food
We all know one, and that girl pisses us all off more than anything else in the world. Think Angela from “The Office.” Just a smug little b*tch and when it comes to food, don’t even get me started. When asked the question dog or burger, you get a “Oh I’m a vegetarian.” That’s straight, so you ask if she brought a veggie burger or anything for her to eat, because all you ever grill is grade-A beef. But nooooooooooo. Not once in the history of BBQs has this girl brought her own veggie burger. EVER. Like you have a salad sitting around for this b*tch to munch on.
3. The Guy Who Brings One 40, for Himself
Now let me start out by saying 40s are great. Slugging 40s taped to your hands while trying not to piss yourself is an American pre-gaming pastime. And a 40 of Steel Reserve is a great way to get the party going. However, when you have a BBQ, it is an understood rule that while there will be some beer provided, you should always bring at least a 6-er for your host so that you're not a total mooch. There’s always going to be that dude who shows up with one 40, for himself, and not even with a Bro 40 like a Steel Reserve 211 or an Olde English 800, but a Canadian Labatt Blue or something like that. When you see this Canuck walking up to your party with his Labatt in hand, do him a favor and give him another 40, of Smirnoff Ice! You got iced, eh.
4. The Guy and/or Girl Who Won't Shut Up About Politics
O.K., we get it. You watch CNBC and Fox News religiously and get a hard-on for Presidential Debates. You think that the “Colbert Report” and “Daily Show” are for immature, uninformed college kids who watch it more for the laughs then the news. Well, guess what. I f*cking like Colbert and John Stewart, they're both way more interesting and funny than you, so get the hell out of my BBQ!!
5. The Stragglers
Every group of Bros has them. They're disgusting, vile things that go with you wherever you go. You can't get rid of them. And no doubt about it, they will show up at your BBQ. I’m not talking about herpes, because everyone knows Bros are clean as shit. I’m talking about something far worse. In my group we called them the Stragglers, you might call them something different, but they are all the same. They are girls who don’t meet the standards (9+ on the ratings scale) and who won't leave you alone. They are worse then groupies. No matter what, they always show up, straggling in and staying there. It’s harder to get rid of a straggler than it is to get rid of a DUI on your criminal record. While most girls will give up and leave somewhere in between getting made fun of for 10 minutes straight and getting beer showered, stragglers take a gargantuan effort to get rid of. Sometimes you literally need to drag them out, and they're usually fat so that could be a problem. Hint: Power washers work great, just aim away from the face.
6. The Informant
For every group of Stragglers, there is always an informant, and he must go, too. He's the guy who told the Stragglers about the BBQ in the first place. For a good time to ensue, it is essential to find and eliminate the Informant. Trust me, if you don’t it could get ugly. Literally.
7. Corn-Hole Ace
Now I’m retarded when it comes to corn-hole. Something about the name of the game throws me off. Like “Hey dude do you want to play corn-hole?” No. I don’t. It sounds like tummy sticks or a sword fight or something like that. But I digress. Guys love corn-hole, and despite my troubles with the game, somehow it's everywhere, and most likely at your next BBQ. Something about throwing beanbags into a hole gets Bros excited. No one more so than the ace. This guy nails 3 pointers like he’s Ray Allen in game 2 of the Finals. Need 7 points to win? No problem. Kid will hit two 3’s and slide one halfway up the board for point 7. Too bad for the ace, being good at corn-hole doesn’t get you laid. Try a real beer sport like dizzy bat.
8. The Bad iPod Person
This one can pertain to anybody at the BBQ: the host or anybody with an iPod. Music sets the tone of all parties, BBQs included. BBQ music is pretty much relaxed. Some Dave, some Jack Johnson, a little Sublime, maybe some Dispatch. You get the point. The music should be appropriate for the setting, so when somebody new steps up to man the music, you better hope they're not going to start bumping some DJ Tiesto or Lady Gaga or some shit. That’s unacceptable. The second you hear “Bad Romance” over the speakers do everyone there a favor and toss the iPod into the ice bucket.
9. The Guy Who Swims with His Shirt On
Grow up. What are we, 10? People know you're fat and unattractive before you take your shirt off. Do yourself a favor and go to the gym, because swimming with your shirt on is lammmmeeeeeeee. If you're really that gross, then just don’t go swimming. You’re just setting yourself for a whale joke, Moby Dick.
10. The Guy Who Ices Kids
Now I know that this whole Iceing thing is a fairly new fad, but I have only been to one legit BBQ so far this summer and I got Iced. That same dude thought it was cool to ice everyone he could, and it got really old really quickly. A super 40oz. ice for a guy who only brings one 40 for himself is hilarious. Nine icings by the same guy gets old. Dude’s probably going to film them all too. Tool. Here’s a rule for this summer: <5 Icings at a party=OK; >5 = bottle to the skull.
Now here's the best person at a BBQ:
The Girl Who Wears Extremely Whorish ClothesAlways there, always awesome. If you don’t have one of these girls at your next BBQ, go out and get one. Now if you're a true Bro then this is no problem at all because there should already be 5 or so of these lovely ladies at your BBQs. However, if you're desperate, put an ad on Craigslist or something, but just make sure there’s a scantily clad hottie at your shindig. Start feeding them shots and the fun don’t stop.