For someone who enjoys gambling as much as I do, I have a pretty unfavorable opinion of casinos. In fact, I detest them. Casinos are usually in the middle of nowhere. They smell like throat cancer. You're usually walking out of them at least $300 poorer.
But the absolute WORST thing about casinos are the people. Casino regulars are the same people you’d see at an outdoor flea market or on a shitty cruise ship: They’re old, they’re weird, and they’re usually obese. They come for the cheap buffets and the nickel slots. And they love that they can smoke their lungs out without having to get up from their “lucky machines."
Because I used to play a lot of poker both online and live, I’ve spent way too much time in these glorified hellholes and grown accustomed to every type of person you regularly see in the devil’s asshole that is a casino. Here’s some of the worst people you encounter:
8) People who ignore personal hygiene
The only thing worse than sitting next to a complete stranger at a cramped table for hours on end is sitting next to a complete stranger at a cramped table for hours on end who smells like Osama Bin Laden’s hideout. Any time you see a commercial for a casino, everyone is dressed like this...
In real life, no, they're fucking not. I’m not saying you have to wear something nice or even put on cologne, but do me a favor and at least throw on some deodorant under your Chinese-food-stained 1991 Montreal Expos tee-shirt.
7) People who buy in for the minimum at the poker table
At a $1/$2 no-limit hold’em poker table, the maximum buy-in is usually somewhere from $200-$300, while the minimum is usually around $20. If you buy in for $20 when everyone around you has at least $100 in front of them, you are pretty much guaranteed to lose your money. Yet these are the people who agonize over every single decision and fold and fold their way down to $3 like it’s the last $20 the U.S. Treasury will ever issue. Sack up and lose $300 like a man.
6) People who tell you stories about getting unlucky
This can probably be broadened to any casino stranger who tells you any type of story, but bad beat stories in particular are excruciating. I don’t care about the time you split 8’s 4 times, made 20 on every hand and the dealer made 21 off a 4. Every time someone finds it absolutely necessary to tell me about the time their pocket aces lost to 2-4 offsuit in a “huge” pot, the only response I can think of is, “Good. I’m glad."
5) The guy who knows everyone
Every casino has at least a few of these guys. This guy knows all the dealers’ names. He calls every waitress “sweetheart." He asks for a comp'ed hotel room loud enough so everyone can hear how important he is. He’s got 36 trillion points on his Casino Rewards card—and only two real friends.