It’s summer time again, the sun is out, the weather is warm and the parties are frequent. The problem with going to a lot of parties is that even the best of buds will commit the occasional “party foul.” In order to preserve our summer and to ensure we all get the most we can out of every single party, here are the 10 Worst Party Fouls Guys Can Commit.
10. The Overachiever
If you climbed a hill, he climbed a mountain. If you helped someone get over the FLU then he cured cancer. If you met the Pope, he met Jesus. One of the worst conversations to be in during an awesome party is one that evolves into a weird game of who can top who. Girls hate when this starts and usually it kills the vibe quickly. When you run into a guy doing this at a party one useful strategy is to make up random things and see if he makes the attempt to top it. For example, “Dude I remember the time I could see into the future” to which he will reply “Oh yea, totally. I once built a working time machine and it…um…worked…and…umm…we time traveled-n-stuff.” Sure you did, douchebag.
9. The Fighting Couple
You know what every party needs? The suburban Ike and Tina Turner that’s what. We all know them there that couple that shows up and there’s tension right away. You can instantly tell they were fighting at home, in the car, and right outside the door before they walked into the party. Yes please have a creepy whisper /scream match inches from me as I try to talk to the hot slightly drunk girl who is now totally turned off by the two morons who keep following each other around and threatening to leave each other. There are a lot of great places for these two people to have their argument like…
- On train tracks
- In the cross fire of a shootout
- A busy intersection at night while wearing all black
- In a junk yard guarded by pit-bulls while wearing barbecue sauce scented clothing.
8. The Dude to Girl Ratio Liar
Oh yes, this legally blind guy who, for some reason, feels compelled to ruin your perfectly good night filled with XBox games and pizza to call you and tell you how many beautiful, sexy girls are just overflowing at a certain party and pushes with all his might for you to come out. Like every good Bro, you get dressed and hop in the car and right as you get to the party you realize there are more girls in the O.J Simpson sympathy club than there are in this balls to the wall sausage fest. You haven’t seen this many sausages in a one place since you toured the Eckrich Farms packing plant. For some reason as soon as you get to the party he instantly showers you with excuses for where the girls went. No excuse is off limits…
- They just left
- You should have seen them
- They said they are coming back
- Earlier it was packed
- They were kidnapped it was a mass girls only kidnapping
- They are all in the restroom
7. The Super Drunk
The drunk is a special kind of guy; he doesn’t wait until the party starts no sir he decided to be completely hammered by 9pm. Nothing makes a night memorable like running up to every person in the bar looking for your friend who decided to blackout by 9:45pm. I love playing that lovable party game “find the berserk hobo.” When we ask, “Have you seen my buddy?” we all know the likely places…
- Outside on the curb
- In the restroom on the floor
- Picking a fight with the biggest dude in the party
- Losing in a fight to biggest dude in the party
- On the hood of a random car
- Arguing the Police
- Fighting with the Police
- Losing a fight with the Police
6. The Ugly Girl Party Parade
No you’re not in a petting zoo, no you’re not at a casting call for Planet of the Apes and finally no you’re not on the set of Resident Evil. Your good friend has found a party full of the most busted faces this side of the equator. The last time you saw faces like these it was when you watched the DVD special effects extras option from the movie Predator. These facially challenged nightmares will chase you down like a scene from Dawn of the Dead the only difference being the zombies just wanted to kill you, these gapped tooth, cross eyed extras from a Rob Zombie movie are all dressed up and ready for a chance to get with you. When you stroll through this haunted house and you notice that it looks like a gallery of “before” pictures you realize that at any moment Michael Jackson should spring up from a huddle of bodies and yell, “THRILLER ITS THRILLER NIGHT.”
5 The Drive Off
No man left behind. That’s the rule for which Bros live by. Not this jackass, he’s there one minute and gone the next. Like Houdini with a smoke pellet, you have no chance of knowing exactly when he left or why. He is well aware that he drove everyone to the party however for some reason when it’s time to leave he totally forgets he was the dude that picked everybody up. It’s not like taking attendance would be that hard there were only four dudes in the car.
4. The Sketchy Wingman
He’s your right hand man; he’s always there when you need him …until the girl you need him to handle while you talk to her friend is heavier than both of you. One minute he is telling you how he would do anything for you the next he is making a sharp exit as that gigantic girl in the fish net top which resembles a trapped elephant seal comes walking up wondering where your cute friend went. We all know the best looking girls come to the party with a friend so large you instantly think, “DUDE she’s friends with the stunt double for Gimus.” The problem is without your buddy you have no Princess Leia to distract this Jaba the Hut in high heels. As a wingman it’s your job to walk right up to that mountain of a woman and say, “Hey, can I get you anything from the bar” there is no need to worry I guarantee the bar won’t stock the things she will request like birthday cake, a milkshake, bacon, coleslaw, a McRib sandwich, pie or Toaster’s Strudel. It’s an easy job to entertain the large friend; she can’t really talk for too long as she needs to be on constant alert for her arch enemies which include.
- Japanese whaling fleets
- Richard Simmons
- Far away parking spaces
- Landing from jumping
3. The Smoker
Dude, it’s 2014, no one wants to stand near you while you smell like a dirty chimney. At every party there’s that awkward group of kids huddled around each other desperately trying to light a pack of smokes with a lighter that’s got three drops of fluid left in it. Nothing makes me hotter than seeing a hot girl with a killer body and teeth the color of public bathroom tiles. Smoking at parties is pretty much over, but that won’t stop at least one person from lighting up and then slathering on some perfume and coming right up to you 3 inches from your nose with that pleasant smell of perfume and train smoke. The smokers never really realize how bad they actually smell because they went numb to it years ago. Here is a quick list to help you understand where a smoker rank as far as smell goes. The following things smell better than smoker’s breath…
- Diesel exhaust
- Hooker high heel pump inserts
- Bum hands
- Bus seats
- Truck stop restrooms
- Dead people
2. The Lightweight
Nothing says masculine like a dude buzzed from two peach flavored wine coolers. In every group of men there is the one guy who drinks every blue moon the problem is when he does drink he wants to stand right next to you as he clutches his Mike’s Hard Lemonade and starts telling you how wasted he is while the majority of the party assumes he’s your date. When it’s time to buy a round of drinks for the crew no guy wants to go to a waitress and say, “Yes, I’ll have three double shots of Jack Daniels straight up and one Pina Colada with extra pineapples.” We’re not on a cruise ship and this is not the Caribbean, put down the goddamn mixed drinks before someone wonders when we are getting engaged. I realize everyone can’t knock back drinks like a sea captain, but when you’re presented with a shot of tequila and there’s that one person in the group holding it with that look of terror like the shot has gunpowder in it only to finally drink it and let out a whimper followed by coughing and gasping you have to take a long hard look at your team and realize you guys look like the A-team if instead of Mr.T they had Bob Sagat.
1. The Fake Hook-up King
All week he has been telling you about how he knows the bouncers, the promoter, the DJ, the dancers and his cousins know the owner, he parties with them all the time. He tells you how he has bottles on ice, girls waiting, a plush V.I.P area all hooked up blah blah blah only to walk up to the front of the line with confidence to have a dude in a tight black shirt with an ear piece holding a clip board ask, “What’s the name? You’re not on the list.” As he turns to you and instantly grabs his cell phone franticly texting and calling people while saying, “I don’t know what’s up hold. Let me call my boy” as we all know “his boy” will not be answering as you slowly find out he has no connections and the only person that knows him is the parking attendant and that’s only because the valet was amazed that someone wanted to valet park a Ford Focus.
There you have it my brothers these party fouls will not be tolerated and eventually you will be ejected from the game.