You know the feeling: it's the Tuesday after Christmas, New Year's is still three days away, and you're one of five people who are in the office pretending to work all day. Oh, how the work Gods have forsaken you. Since jagging off at work has become taboo sadly, you need more than a little knuckle trouble to get you through the day. Here's a bucket list of boring work week activities that you should be able to maneuver through in your cubicle universe, beyond the ass photocopying and trash can hoops. If you get fired, don't blame it on us.
1. Explore Off-Floor Bathrooms
Assuming you work in a building that has more than one floor, you need to find the other porcelain. Worlds await, with softer toilet paper and better seats: the quest to pinch a loaf on the floor of other turds awaits you. Think of it as a modern-day battleship: Floor Seven, Stall Two, Sunk.
2. Get Around Restricted Sites
At BroBible, we clearly have no limits, but a lot of you are stuck in a web hell, where the gems are put to the side. How to beat this? Proxify.com. I don't suggest you go fire up YewJezz (misspelling is already helping you snake around those IT dickheads), but now you can at least start reading up on fantasy football for next year.
3. Get Dinner Paid For (with Beer)
You'll most likely need to be working for a bank or law firm that utilizes Seamless Web for this one. Stay until 7 (or whatever time the free dinner bell rings) and start using the accounts of people who aren't in the office (with their "permission," of course). Pool the collective dinner money together: order the steak, but also make sure to find the shady "deli" on the list, where no one would touch the food, but will throw in some frat sodas and mark them on the bill as "Gatorade." Get swilled in the office and watch some Tuesday Night Football courtesy of a city that can't handle bad weather: Philly.
4. Plot a Babe Map
Your boss would probably love to come back and see you find out where Uzbekistan is located, so go get a map. What you're really going to do here is play modern-day chick warfare: put a pushpin in every state you've tackled and sprayed down a broad. The states that remain empty: start looking for conferences your company will pay for in those states. There' s a reason this great nation was conquered: to have men bang in every state.
5. Haze an Intern
Sure, interns are awesome, and winter interns are even better since you know they'll do nothing and everyone has been in their shoes. But now is the time to send them as far as you can across the city to do ridiculous tasks, which could include bringing back lunch plates from strip club buffets. Unless you think hazing is too mean, then you should just stop reading.
6. Watch ESPN3.com
This website (access through proxify if blocked) will let you watch all the random bowl games this week (e.g. Air Force vs. Georgia Tech) that are on while you're still at work. Watch the game in pop-out player mode so you can quickly minimize if authority rolls by.
7. Don't Turn Off "Auto-Response" E-mail
If you're an office monkey, you probably get excited how you're going to phrase your "I'm on vacation" e-mail. Do not turn it off when you're back from vacation. That little e-mail will be a savior: people never read them so they don't know the date you will be back — they'll just assume you're still gone. Less e-mail is always better.
8. Do a Make-Shift Work-Out
It's time to shed the Holiday weight, since in 2011 you're going to snowplow all the girls in the whole city. Run stadiums in the fire stairwell — no one will even know where you are. Here is a list of other office workouts.
9. Dip Snus
Most of you Bros would love to pack a steaming gagger at your desk, but the dip-juice Vitamin Water bottle may make you look bad. Snus: the spitless dip isn't nearly as strong or fortifying, but you can pack a bunch in and still hold a conversation with Danny Dickhead from across the hall.
10. Watch Viral Videos
Catch up on everything you missed with our list of the top 61 viral videos of 2010. Then, Hulu or Funny or Die is your best bet.