Deafening rage + a form of mammal feces x the quest for vengeance = a feel-good story about the human spirit. Does it not? Don't be bashful, you can agree with me. Because there is not a more disgusting method of revenge than the kind that comes with knowing your a**hole's vomit temporarily destroyed someone's life. O.K., so maybe the time my best pal JB smacked a chick he hated in the face with another chick's used tampon is right up there with it in terms of grossness, but how often does that spectacular opportunity present itself? Not too f*cking often, unless you have a friend who dislodges tampons, and slings them behind a couch for you to find the next morning. But having that happen only occurs once in a lifetime.
As I just eluded to, JB can be about as vengeful as a person will ever get. It's a phenomenal attribute. And this particular article is actually inspired by something he did back in junior high.
Visualize this: A bunch of us are playing a friendly game of backyard football (tackle not touch) when some neighborhood douche pisses him off. I can't remember how or why he pissed him off, but that isn't of our concern. JB didn't brush the incident off or take the high road; instead, he did what any irate motherf*cker would do. He knocked this kid's f*ckin' face in. Typical, right? Only what wasn't typical was that while the kid was collecting himself, and fighting back tears, JB located a beefy pile of dog shit in the backyard and shoved it right in this kid's f*cking mouth. I'd never seen anything like it. He literally gave this poor f*ck a shit-eating grin. It was disgusting. But while I am fairly certain that forcing a person to eat shit is a crime of some sort, the kid was a douche and his name was Fran, so you can easily argue that he had it coming.
So without further ado, here are 9 other ways to seek revenge with shit. And I'm not saying you should run out and shove shit into people's mouths; I'm just saying follow your heart.
9. The Upper Decker
Although this classic and tactical maneuver has been a mainstay in our rich history of shit-filled justice, it doesn't pack the punch it used to. If a victim chose to do so, he could easily just let the shit disintegrate, never causing any real burden other than a faint smell and the knowledge that unflushed shit lives in their tank.
Again, not the most inventive method if you've seen "Billy Madison" or you have an abundance of hate in your heart. But if your victim is as dumb and unreceptive to Devil woman's warnings as Ted was in the movie, he will stomp it out with his boots, and you can consider yourself a success.
7. Shit Waffle
Per the good people at Urban Dictionary, a shit waffle is when you rip a loaf on the keyboard of someone's laptop and then you close the top, squishing said loaf and causing all the feces to seep into the keys. I like this one because the damage is more than emotional.
6. The Revenge Fuck
Editor's Note: This item may be the most NSFW text that Waffles McButter has ever written, but it's really funny, and we're not going to censor it completely. We're posting it in a separate story that's tagged in our system as NFSW, which means it will have NSFW advertisements on it. The text itself is incredibly graphic in nature. Don't read it if you are easily offended. You have been warned. Click here to read "6. The Revenge Fuck."