How do you break up with a girl without hurting her feelings? It’s a question as old as time, as demonstrated by the Bible story of Adam asking God for advice with the Eve situation. You don’t necessarily hate her, you just want out of the relationship. Soon, discontent gives way to hatred, and then hatred transforms into murderous rage. Before you know it, you’re praying to every god you’re aware of for her to meet an untimely demise. But then you’d probably have to be speak at the funeral, act heartbroken when people console you, write sad Facebook status updates, etc., and who needs that?
Instead of constantly wishing death upon girlfriends like some kind of cognitive serial killer, what if there were a way to get her to dump you?! Yup, this isn’t just the plot for some yet-to-be written Ryan Reynolds rom-com. This is something that average men like you, or hell, even ME, can use to get out of unhappy relationships, while keeping the girl’s ego in tact. After all, this is about allowing her to save face…so you can get out there and start sucking face!! Haha, that’s great, really great. Let’s get into it.
1. Pretend to be poor: All girls hate poor guys. The only thing girls hate more than poor guys is spiders. Drop small hints about your financial status with lines such as, “maybe we should take the bus tonight,” or “can I have some money?” before really amping it up with “what do you think of going to Panama City Beach for vacation…” She’ll be out the door faster than you can say pre-nup!
2. Attempt to turn her against her own family: This won’t work for every girl, as some already hate their family, so use your discretion before attempting. For the girls who claim to love their family, do your best to come in between her and them. Liken her mom’s cooking to “prison food mixed with puke,” imply that her dad seems gay, pretend to be repulsed by the family dog, challenge her brother to a fight, etc. Getting the family to hate you will speed up the process of getting her to hate you as well.
3. Make her feel bad about herself: Girls love guys who make them feel special. Don’t believe me? Just listen to the lyrics of the 2010 smash hit “Only Girl (In The World)” by Rihanna. What they don’t like is being made to feel like worthless pieces of sub-human garbage. It’s as simple as casually dropping something like, “Hey there, ya fat pig. You gonna go roll in shit and feed from a trough today? Huh, piggy? Go befriend a talking spider, you pig.” She’ll be totally turned off and want to dump you!
4. Become addicted to hard drugs: Girls like to think they can “fix” us dudes (yeah right!!!!), but at a certain point, even they will have to cut bait if you’re too far gone. One way to ensure she heads for the hills is to embark on a drug-induced downward spiral, the likes of which she’s surely never seen. Even the most loving girlfriend will freak when she walks in on you convulsing from a heroin overdose, a strung-out male escort passed out beside you. You’ll be cruising for chicks in no time!
5. Pick fights about nothing for no reason: This one is also known as “being a girl,” hahahah! But seriously, give her a taste of her own medicine, but amp it up tenfold. She says, “do you wanna go see The Amazing Spider-Man 2 tonight?” and you respond with “Why? So you can just picture Andrew Garfield when we have sex? Fine. That’s what I want to do with my Saturday night—sit there and watch you get moist over some loser twink British guy. You make me feel like shit! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!”
6. Pretend to be gay: Unless you’re Kelly Preston, being a homosexual is a BIG turn off to most straight women looking for a romantic relationship. Let her put the pieces together herself, so she feels smart. Start rollerblading everywhere, go to brunch a lot, have great posture and a chiseled physique, control the entertainment industry. She’ll start to suspect what’s going on eventually.
7. Propose moving to an undesirable location: Sure, she loves you, but will she uproot her entire life and sacrifice her own happiness for you? Probs not! Test it out by sitting her down and suggesting you guys pack it all up and move to Syria. “I just feel like the pace of life there is more my scene…”
8. Refuse to watch any TV show or movie other than last year’s box office flop Cloud Atlas: Girls love cuddling up to their man on a lazy Sunday and watching a bunch of cutesy movies and dumb TV shows. Take that completely off the table by taking a weird stance in which you assert you will only watch the 2013 Tom Hanks/Halle Berry flop, Cloud Atlas. Have you seen this movie? It is utterly unwatchable. By the time it gets to the second act of your first viewing, your girlfriend will have already joined Match.com.
9. Constantly embarrass her in public: Get your girlfriend to bury her face in shame whenever you guys are out together, and soon you’ll be burying your face too…in other girl’s boobs! Terrific! Suggestion: take her to a nice restaurant, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back wearing nothing but a sock around your penis and dancing Gangnam Style while screaming 9/11 was an inside job (P.S . It was…)!
10. Develop odd sexual perversions – Push her limits sexually to the point that she’ll scream “uncle” and want to jump ship. Some ideas: make her stick whole guavas up your butt, ask her to hold a loaded gun to your head during sex, propose hitting a local homeless shelter to recruit “a couple dudes” for an orgy, ask her to dress up like your grandma Bea, demand that Cloud Atlas be playing during foreplay and don’t take your eyes off the screen, propose an HJ-only sex life, etc.
Follow @BrandAndCo
!function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?’http’:’https’;if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+’:wp_posts’;fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document, ‘script’, ‘twitter-wjs’);
[Breakup via Shutterstock]