6. Don’t eat where you drink
This one is pretty self-explanatory—don’t let a bar snob lure you into going somewhere because the place has a great menu. You’re not going to the bar to eat; you’re going to the bar to drink. There’s a difference between a bar and a restaurant and some people who have there head so far up their ass can’t seem to tell the difference.
I hate to put the pressure on you, reader who I don’t know, but it’s your job to show them the light.
7. Bathrooms should never be considered
I’m trying to make this column not sexist, and I think I’m doing a good job, but I can’t resist from harping on chicks who refuse to go to certain bars because they have disgusting bathrooms. When you’re going out to get shit-faced, the cleanliness of where you shit shouldn’t even enter the realm of thought.
And yes, girls do poop. I hate to break it you guys.
8. Volume control
When handling a bar snob, you will encounter those who like to go to certain places because they are either really loud or really quite. Similar to making a good drink, this requires balance.
Most people fall in the middle of the spectrum of how they like to listen to music or other people talk — somewhere in the middle, not too loud; not too quite — and that makes selecting a bar based on noise a pretty universal concept. If a bar snob is guiding you toward a rave or, the complete opposite, a place where you have to whisper, it’s best to grab the reigns and do some volume control.
9. Space is what you make of it
This should probably be higher on the list because almost all bar snobs are guilty of being picky about how much space they have when they drink. I can see where they’re coming from on this one, but still—space is what you make of it. Because you’re scrunched in a booth with six people, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time. In fact, you’ll probably have a better time.
Similarly, at the bar itself, if it’s too tight to find an opening to order a drink, it’s probably a good thing. That way you can strike up conversations with random people while you wait in line. I know we have human impulses that make waiting seem like hell, but this is socializing 101.
10. A chair? Who cares, you’re drunk
Most things in life come full circle, including this article.
Remember when I mentioned that rude girl earlier who wouldn’t go somewhere because the bar didn’t have leather seating? That was only a slight exaggeration of a true story. One time I was with a pack of people who were actually convinced not to go to this one bar because this one chick said it had uncomfortable chairs. To my dismay, she won the heart of the group and we went elsewhere, but I haven’t let it go to this day.
Of all the excuses not to go to a bar—it's empty, it's too loud, it's too quiet, it's too hot, it's too cold, it smells funky, there aren’t enough bartenders, they don’t have a great selection of beer, there aren’t enough TVs—this excuse will always be the most ridiculous in my memory.
Luckily, the situation taught is a valuable lesson: When you’re getting drunk, where you're sitting shouldn’t be too important. It’s all about who you're with.