Life
by Steve Coulter on October 10, 2013

It could have been the underage girl afraid to use her fake ID at a certain bar because of intimidating bouncers, or it could have been that same girl three years later refusing to go to any bar that doesn’t have leather seating.

Either way, or in any form, those who obstruct our ability to drink are smug yuppies who need to be put in place. This is a free country. And there's nothing worse than having your plans for the night derailed by the phrase “the bartender there doesn’t make my drink the way I like it.”

Here's how you handle those who are a bit too uptight about where they drink and what they drink:

1. Let them go up to the bar

Repeat this phrase five times so you won’t forget it: I will never go up to the bar for someone who’s notorious for complaining about what drink you get them.

Good, that was easy. Remember, there’s nothing worse than someone who is ungrateful.

Speaking of…

2. Don’t get guilted into buying

I hate when this happens. The snobby friend concedes to where the pack wants to go and sits in the corner all night sulking. It’s a pathetic attempt for attention and it's even more pathetically self-centered than trying to change what the majority of the group wants to do and where they want to go.

Usually as a result of this behavior, the self-centered sulker is rewarded with a free drink or two, or several. Don’t give into childish behavior.

3. Choose the place, don’t let the place choose you

In essence: walk the dog, don’t let it walk you.

I can’t stand the free spirit types who think it's appropriate to walk aimlessly until the group stumbles upon “the right bar.” What is this? A bar is a bar, right? Last time I checked, they all serve alcohol—some even have seats!

I will never be able to understand the people who believe the universe gives them the answers to how their night is supposed to play out. With that kind of mindset, we’d all be destined to spin off this wild planet and fade into oblivion. Fortunately, there are those of us who can avert crowds from this insane logic and direct them to a place that all parties’ will like. It's really not too hard.

4. Drink up beforehand

The common denominator amongst all bar snobs is that they’re too sober for their own good and if someone could help change that situation, then everyone would be a lot better off. The reality is that most social debate amongst friends who are looking to go out and have fun stems from sobriety. The answer is clear, people—drink up!

5. Make your own crowd

Perhaps my number one pet peeve when I go out is people who are so close-minded they’re incapable of going anywhere where it isn’t “bumping.” The phrase “nobody goes there on Friday nights” still makes me cringe from college because it was so overused an excuse that by senior year, all I wanted to do was go to the place where nobody was.

Listen, I understand a night’s success depends on how many different people you meet and how many different off-the-wall experiences you create, and that can truly only happen in a place where there are a lot of people—I get it. However, to cross off going to a bar just because it usually doesn’t have a big crowd on a certain night is just inexcusable. Check it out for yourself. Determine whether or not you can make your own crowd (i.e. your own fun) there. If you really can’t, move onto the next one.

There’s no problem in trying something out even if the common and popular thought process is to dismiss it at face value. When this becomes the norm, conformity becomes so powerful that it can kill. It’s true. Read Lord of the Flies.

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6. Don’t eat where you drink

This one is pretty self-explanatory—don’t let a bar snob lure you into going somewhere because the place has a great menu. You’re not going to the bar to eat; you’re going to the bar to drink. There’s a difference between a bar and a restaurant and some people who have there head so far up their ass can’t seem to tell the difference.

I hate to put the pressure on you, reader who I don’t know, but it’s your job to show them the light.

7. Bathrooms should never be considered

I’m trying to make this column not sexist, and I think I’m doing a good job, but I can’t resist from harping on chicks who refuse to go to certain bars because they have disgusting bathrooms. When you’re going out to get shit-faced, the cleanliness of where you shit shouldn’t even enter the realm of thought.

And yes, girls do poop. I hate to break it you guys.

8. Volume control

When handling a bar snob, you will encounter those who like to go to certain places because they are either really loud or really quite. Similar to making a good drink, this requires balance.

Most people fall in the middle of the spectrum of how they like to listen to music or other people talk — somewhere in the middle, not too loud; not too quite — and that makes selecting a bar based on noise a pretty universal concept. If a bar snob is guiding you toward a rave or, the complete opposite, a place where you have to whisper, it’s best to grab the reigns and do some volume control.

9. Space is what you make of it

This should probably be higher on the list because almost all bar snobs are guilty of being picky about how much space they have when they drink. I can see where they’re coming from on this one, but still—space is what you make of it. Because you’re scrunched in a booth with six people, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time. In fact, you’ll probably have a better time.

Similarly, at the bar itself, if it’s too tight to find an opening to order a drink, it’s probably a good thing. That way you can strike up conversations with random people while you wait in line. I know we have human impulses that make waiting seem like hell, but this is socializing 101.

10. A chair? Who cares, you’re drunk

Most things in life come full circle, including this article.

Remember when I mentioned that rude girl earlier who wouldn’t go somewhere because the bar didn’t have leather seating? That was only a slight exaggeration of a true story. One time I was with a pack of people who were actually convinced not to go to this one bar because this one chick said it had uncomfortable chairs. To my dismay, she won the heart of the group and we went elsewhere, but I haven’t let it go to this day.

Of all the excuses not to go to a bar—it's empty, it's too loud, it's too quiet, it's too hot, it's too cold, it smells funky, there aren’t enough bartenders, they don’t have a great selection of beer, there aren’t enough TVs—this excuse will always be the most ridiculous in my memory.

Luckily, the situation taught is a valuable lesson: When you’re getting drunk, where you're sitting shouldn’t be too important. It’s all about who you're with.

About Steve Coulter...