Life
by Lance Pauker on October 29, 2012

1. Mr. “What Hurricane?”

While the rest of the school flocks to the bread aisle, this clown just sits there with an odd smirk, taking in human social experiment with unrivaled glee. His lack of concern could be chalked up to the fact that being 5’11 and 185 Ibs automatically makes him impervious to 100 mph winds and falling trees. He also once went surfing, so therefore knows shit about the weather that you could barely even fathom. 

In conclusion, pretending to be oblivious to an impending natural disaster is clearly the best way to score chicks.   

2. Muploads

Must include a creative hashtag that includes the year in which said natural disaster occurred.

A good formula for optimal hashtagerry is is to take a current trend, add a small dose of nostalgia, and combine it all within the context of the natural disaster in question.

For #HurricaneSandy, a good idea would be to find your roommate who needs to do slightly less, take a picture with him wearing a neon tank and Kanye Glasses (the backdrop must be a hurricane-affected window), and caption the gem “#Sandstorm2k12”

3. Hurricane Parties

Quite sad, when my postrgraduately tainted Facebook feed was blowing up last night with news of various “Hurricane Parties.” Obviously the point of this isn’t to have an actual party, it’s to give a metaphorical middle finger to the school administration. The classic faking sick, spending the day at the video arcade Ferris Buellery move. Can’t attend class, but sure as hell can walk across campus to get properly wasted.

4. Ms. Zeitgeist

If you’re not making a grandiose statement pertaining #Sandstorm2k12 once every five minutes, there’s really no point of living through the hurricane in the first place.

She’s not so much living through the hurricane as much as she’s living through the fact that she’s living through the hurricane, but this is the world we live in. Hold up, I need to reach into my pocket and see if I got a text even though I didn’t feel any buzzing.

5. Facebook Status About Not Having School the Next Day

Important, because the rest of the school didn’t receive the exact same email as you, stating that school was closed. You budding news reporter, you.

  • Bonus points if status begins with “BREAKING:”

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6. Bucket-List Drinking Games

The college night-life cycle often doesn’t afford enough time for you to actually enjoy yourself while playing most drinking games. Winning four consecutive games of pong is indeed “sick,” but it also prevents you from making a move on the sole reason you hosted this party in the first place.

The nature of “if you go outside to do anything other than get more beer, you die” finally creates a situation to break loose from that structure. Odd, “I’ve always wanted to play that” drinking games are thus no longer a result of wishful thinking–temporarily, they're a wonderful reality. 

During a particular “Snowpocalypse,” (school was cancelled for a week because DC was all like “nah” when it came to being prepared for snowstorms) I spent a night with about seven other Bro-types playing a dangerously committed game of “landmines.” Basic jist is that you have a giant table, drink a lot of beer, and essentially need to fill the entire table with cans for anything to happen.

The point of this isn’t for me to tell you I once experienced something so I am therefore cool–it’s that, PLUS the fact that you now have time to engage in collegiately based activities that take as long as the board game “Risk.”

7. Shitty References To Terrible Apocalypse Movies

What? There is a situation where I can allude to the fact that John Cusack starred in 2012? Did you know that he turned down the role of Walter White? Look how much useless shit I know!

Also, for the pop-culture geeks of the world, the pre-power outage stages of all natural disasters provide for some great binge-watching time. Again, make sure to tweet out what you are watching, otherwise there’s no proof that you are in fact living in a secure structure while the weather is misbehaving.

8. Mr. “FML”

Mr. FML, in addition to having a name that would only really fly in 2009, is a bit behind the eight-ball in terms of living his life. You see, he would enjoy the hurricane, but he has three midterms and four tests to study for. (Note that he’s likely deceiving you considering the fact that midterms are also tests, but the point is that it’s crucial for him to appear more important to you.)

It doesn’t even matter that you’re in the same class, and that clearly she’s gonna move the midterm back because we’re missing at least three days of class. He has a lot of shit that matters, and you have nothing, you future-less burnout. 

9. NEW TO 2012: ROUSING ROUNDS OF “THUNDERBUDDIES”

James Harden is no longer a Thunderbuddy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pass the time with the greatest song of the summer. Topical, catchy, and guaranteed to get your girlfriend to break up with you mid-storm.

10. Chess

Whimsically playing chess for three hours is an undeniable Bro move. Again, not something you’d normally do given the traditional college social cycle, but that’s shot to hell for the foreseeable future. There’s only so much of listening to your friend trying to play “Gangnam Style” and Skrillex on his guitar, so best deflect music time with some rounds of chess

  • +1 if you “haven’t played in forever”
  • +2 if you take longer than you need to in order to make your move, just to play up the fact that you think really deeply about this shit

The 9th Semester Appears Every Wednesday, and When There's a Hurricane.  Follow Me on Twitter

11. Events like these are a stoner's dream.