I just got back from my sixth bachelor party, and I’m starting to consider myself a veteran of the medium. Bachelor parties are interesting because in most cases, it’s a melding of a bunch of different friend groups. In some cases, this creates a West Side Story-esque rivalry, with both groups vying for the bachelor’s attention. In other instances, the groups are able to put their differences aside, and bond over the age old tradition of trying to hit a stripper’s taint with rolled up dollar bills.
Regardless of the dynamic, the one consistency I noticed is that there seems to be a bunch of recurring roles people take on. Let’s explore, and see if you can identify you and your friends in this breakdown.
1. The Vanisher: The Vanisher disappears for hours on end. You’ll have no idea where he went, and he’ll give no indication that he intended to break off from the group. Whenever his name is brought up, it’s in the context of “where the fuck is Matt?” When he reappears, he’ll give no explanation as to his previous whereabouts. Was he taking in the local museums? Trying to woo a Tinder match? Exploring the underground scene of gay Turkish bathhouses? It’s anyone’s guess, and we’ll never know the truth.
2. The Strip Club Enthusiast: It’s a given that most groups will end up at a strip club at some point, but the Strip Club Enthusiast simply cannot wait for the predetermined strip club time. Whenever there is a slight lull in the action, he will suggest going to a strip club. Factors such as “it’s 9 a.m.” or “we literally just left one” have zero impact on his desire to pay to see boobs.
3. The Sleeper: While most people view a bachelor party as a non-stop celebration of bros, booze and boobs, the Sleeper sees it more as a laid-back environment in which to catch up on some beauty rest. He will sleep through most, if not all, activities, or show up halfway through, seeing nothing wrong with the fact that he’s been sleeping all day. Despite the amount of sleep, he will always look tired and lethargic, and try to break off early to go back to the hotel.
4. The Germaphobe: Bachelor parties are not known for their cleanliness. When you throw a bunch of dudes together into small hotel rooms, send them to strip clubs, have them get blackout drunk, things will get a bit… soiled? Most people are able to say “yolo” and just go with it, but the Germaphobe will make the deplorable conditions a constant focus. He’s not content to just quietly be grossed out, he will need to announce his disgust to everyone around him, in a way that is a total downer. “Do you know how many gross, fat dudes have probably jizzed in their pants on that seat?” “I read a thing about how stripper’s boobs are the biggest harbinger of pink eye in the world.” “Dude, if you drop your wallet in a toilet filled with shit, you probably shouldn’t fish it out and just immediately stick it in your pocket.”
5. The Familial Obligation: While everyone on a bachelor party has history with the bachelor and is there because of their relationship with him, that is not the case for the Familial Obligation. This is the person that got the invite solely because of pressure from his family or the bride. The bride’s brother, a cousin you’ve grown out of touch with, a brother-in-law, etc. Not only will this person not really have much of a relationship with the bachelor, he will also, without fail, be the least cool person on the trip. He will ruin vibes wherever he goes, and most of the weekend will be spent trying not to sit next to him at meals.
6. The Lightweight: Most people in your group will be able to have a couple drinks during the day, manage to keep their composure, and make it out that night. The same cannot be said for the Lightweight. He will be blackout drunk by 3:00 p.m., and everyone will remark that there’s no way he’s going to make it out that night (which usually ends up being the case). He can be found slumped over, passed out in the booth of a bar, unknowingly posing for pictures with the rest of the group.
7. The Fighter: A bachelor party is supposed to be a happy time. A time of merriment and celebration. Despite the jovial atmosphere, something always sets off the Fighter. Usually, he will try to fight unsuspecting bar patrons for slights such as bumping into him, looking at him for too long, or talking to a girl he was interested in. However, it’s not limited to strangers, and in some cases The Fighter will turn his sights on someone in the group, making it awkward for everyone and ruining the mood.
8. The Creeper: The single people in the group (and sometimes the not-so-single people) will attempt to assert their manhood in front of their peers by hooking up with a girl. Getting whacked off by a stripper or anything in which money is exchanged doesn’t count. Some will be better at wooing girls than other, and the Creeper is the person you least want accompanying you in your hunt. Within seconds of getting to a new bar, he will approach you about “taking a lap,” but then every girl or group of girls you approach will immediately be turned off by the Creeper’s tactics. He won’t understand that his lack of success with the ladies is a result of his threatening and off-putting demeanor, and he will surmise that the girls who rebuffed him are “gross sluts” and “lesbians” for refusing to sleep with him.
9. The Toaster: Bachelor parties are primarily known for their debauchery, but they can also be kinda beautiful in their celebration of brotherhood and friendship. Most dudes are hesitant to let their friends know how much they mean to them, but bachelor parties are the perfect venue to let those feelings fly without seeming like a total weirdo. Nobody takes that more seriously than the Toaster, who won’t be content with just one round of toasts at a dinner. He will try to turn every event and meal into a tearful celebration of every moment he’s shared with the bachelor. Things will get borderline weird, and rumors will begin to swirl in regard to the Toaster’s sexuality.
10. The Overprotective Friend - Most people will try to abuse the bachelor, forcing him to drink to excess, making him fight off aggressive strippers, pissing in his luggage. But the Overprotective Friend thinks it’s his sole responsibility to look out for the bachelor. If it weren’t for him, the bachelor would surely be found floating face down in the fountain in front of the Bellagio, cigars protruding from his bare ass. The Overprotective Friend doesn’t seem to realize that everyone there is a friend of the bachelor, and doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to him, they’re just pushing him to his limits.
I want more like this!
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