Playing Video Games
It seems odd because we’re right at the height of the GTA V craze so girls reading this are probably thinking, “My boyfriend hasn’t returned a text in a week because of this fucking game and he’s 26," but, on the whole, guys in their mid-20’s spend wayyyyyy less time playing video games than guys in college. In college, you give a guy a copy of the latest 1st-person shooter, a headset, and a case of Easy Mac, and he won’t leave his dorm for anything short of the final exam in his Blow Jobs From Models 101 class.
You give a bro in his mid 20’s the same three items, he’ll come out in 20 minutes looking for more Easy Mac.
Getting Into Fights
College bros are still in the who’s-tougher-than-who phase of their lives, so 70% of arguments will lead to some sort of physical altercation. 90% if alcohol is involved.
The majority of guys in their mid-20’s realize that fighting is literally the stupidest fucking thing in the world and accomplishes absolutely nothing besides earning a police record and getting blood on the first shirt you ever bought with your own money. The only guys who get into fights in their mid-20’s are the meatheads who still watch their own high school football tapes.
College guys will at least make an effort on the dance floor because they know that college girls on dance floors are usually too shitfaced to notice how bad you are at dancing, so it’s a low-risk play. Either she’ll make out with you right then and there, she’ll dance with you for a couple songs and give you a half chub, or she might puke on you. Even if she pukes on you, it’s still better than having your moves judged or being made to feel creepy.
Dudes in their mid-20’s stay the fuck away from the dance floor because, as incredible as it seems, some of the girls out there are actually sober. I’m serious. There are girls in their mid-20’s who like to go out just to dance with their friends. Unless you’re black, gay, or Justin Timberlake, stay away from those ladies if you don’t want to be humiliated.
Stay in your comfort zone, lean against the bar, and offer to buy her a drink when she comes over instead of freaking her out with your twist on the Cupid Shuffle.
College bros don’t have hairstyles because they don’t need hairstyles. Every college guy rolls out of bed with Gosling hair and it just stays that way for years.
If you’re a college bro reading this, I’m about to depress the fuck out of you. By the time you hit your mid-20’s, every time you brush your hair it’s gonna look like pube city in the sink. A couple hundred little hairs will fall out every day until you wake up on your 27th birthday looking like LeBron and you wonder, “What the fuck just happened?” Because of this, most mid-20’s guys use the side-comb job in the front to try and mask their receding hairline, because it only makes one side look bad as opposed to both. This is also known as “the Sudeikis."
Quick anecdote: I used to rock the Sudeikis in middle school until a girl in my class asked, “Why do you wear your hair like that? What are you, a good boy or something?” I realized, then and there, that I had to quickly shed this “good boy” reputation if I wanted to get with any girls by the time I got to high school, so I started going with the white-kid-in-1999 front flip like a heterosexual Lance Bass.
After a 12-year run with the white-kid-gets-his-haircut-in-a-black-barbershop hair, I’m trending back towards “good boy."
The summer before a guy goes to college, he’ll get it drilled into his head that he has to wear condoms in college, because he has no idea where these girls have been and if he gets a girl pregnant at 20, his life is basically over. College guys don’t have $40 to shell out for the morning-after pill because having $40 in college is like having $10 when you’re 7. It makes you rich. So you know what happens? College guys get scared into actually wearing condoms.
Guys in their mid-20’s don’t bother with condoms because condoms make sex infinity times worse, and we just choose to roll the dice. If we accidently cum, we’ve got 40 bucks. If we neglect the morning-after pill because we’re lazy fucks and she gets pregnant, whatever, looks like it’s time to grow up. Also, she works in an office, no chance she’s got an STD, right?2
1 I will however take a short moment to answer a few of her questions: Yes, I’d still get a handy in public; yes, I’d still drink in a backyard provided my lax bro pinnie was a throwback replica NBA jersey and the backpack was filled with Heineken instead of Keystone; and while I want to say I wouldn’t creep by your apartment at 3AM, judging by the thumbnail pic at the bottom of your article, I can't make any promises.
2 This is horrible advice. —Editor
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