Hello Americans. I'm Mitt Romney your next president. You know what I did this morning? I asked my servant, Miguel, to make me crushed orange juice (no pulp). He said something in Spanish that I didn't understand, which I made him repeat in English. He said, "President Romney, most wonderful man I know, why have you asked for crushed orange juice today instead of fresh squeezed?" and I said, it's simple boy (I don't call them by name or address them as men) I want my orange juice the same way I want my Barry Obama - crushed. And that's what I'm here to do tonight - crush Obama then crush some bitches. I'm Mitt, deal with it.
I happen to own shit, lots of shit, just think of anything that costs money and I can and will buy it. That's actually my motto: "Buy Shit." You probably didn't know that, but you don't know a lot about me, here are some thoughts:
Economic plan: Have you seen my back account? I'm sorry, I meant accounts. Of course you haven't, most of them aren't in the United States. Just know this, I'm good with money. Those are the only specifics you need.
The 47%: I don't care about the freeloaders. I'm not your mother and this country isn't your parent's crappy basement. I don't care if you got a liberal arts degree. I don't care how awesome you are at Instagraming. I don't care that your pro Barry Obama status update got ten "likes." I don't care that you're so good at eating food that you're starting a Foodie Blog called Becca's Bites. If you don't pay taxes, I don't care about you, and I'm not here to wipe your ass. I don't even wipe my own ass.
Support: The "President" can be backed by as many rappers as he wants. You know what I have backing me? People with degrees.
Taxes: I'm not going to show you my taxes because most of them are covered in jizz. You should see the tax breaks I get. You'd cum too.
Terror Threats: National security wouldn't be a problem if Barry's handshake wasn't as limp as his dick after a night of drinking whiskey. You know what I always have? A hard dick and a firm handshake. Including now. And earlier. And later.
Hope and Change: I've been hoping to be black ever since I heard it could make you president. Hoping for change is what bums do on the street.
Magic Underwear: I'm wearing them which is why they're magical. If you touched my penis you'd fly.
Barry Obama Has Never Fired Anyone: How do you cut the deficit without increasing taxes? Cut the fat. Barry has never felt the blood running through his veins when you tell someone that they've been axed. Let me tell you, it feels like an orgasm you had while Mormon Jesus rubs your balls. When I said I'd cut PBS and I imagined big bird, elmo, and that gay couple in the unemployment line, it felt like that last moment before climax that makes your face look like if your face froze mid-wink. Trump and I sometimes get together and fire our servants one at a time over the course of a whole day. It's like whacking it lefty for a day.
My Hair: In my life I've let three women touch my hair. Two of them died from consecutive orgasms and the third is Ann who pretty much kept having babies until she hit menopause.
Chinese Relations: I'm done with debt. I'm done with China. The only thing I have in common with Asians is that we are both calling November 6th "Erection Day."
Enjoy looking at my beautiful face tonight at the debate and if you want to get my thoughts live then follow along on Twitter @cockymittromney.