Life
by Andy Green on October 23, 2012

Sweden Protects It's Weiners, at All Costs

What do you know about Sweden? You know that they produce seriously copious amounts of tall, sexy blondes. All those sexy blondes runnin around causing the scent of their Swede-beavers to ride the wind and catch the attention of Swede-boners. The country couldn't simply stand by and watch it's country literally f**k itself to death! Nope, they implemented “condom ambulances” to distribute rubbers to Swede-Bros in what they describe as “promising situations.”

Condoms Fail in India, Due To Their Tiny Junk

India has long been the most populated country on the planet. It's apparent that those people like to have sweaty sexuals. India does have modern contraception, in the way of condoms… so why then the hell are there so many people. It turns out that condoms have a huge fail rate because, Indian men aren't huge enough to fill one out. They slip off all the time, but overpopulation is a small price to pay to live in a country where women don't know about huge d*cks.

Olympians Have Olympic Amounts of Sex

Just because that Czech female shot-putter has bigger feet than you do, doesn't mean she isn't deserving of a grunt-filled trip to Pound Town. Olympians have been focusing on conditioning their bodies to be the best at what they do. No drugs, very little booze or other fun stuff to do… so how then do these folks get their rocks off? They do it by getting their rocks off. At the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, there was so much bangin' going on that the 7,000 athletes burned through all 100,000 free condoms too quickly. That's 14 condoms per athlete. They actually had to send in an emergency shipment to quell the onset of a giant legion of genetically souped up muscle-monster spawn.

Magnum Condoms Are a Marketing Scheme

There's nothing worse than waiting to buy condoms behind the dude who just picked up some Trojan Magnums. What is in those packages. Was it just a regulation diving suit? What kind of package does a guy need to be sporting to actually need this sausage-tarp? Pick yourself up some Magnums to impress your lady next time, because it turns out that Magnum condoms aren't that much bigger than standard ones… it's actually a huge marketing scheme. Now all guys have an opportunity to trick the ladies into believing their guy has a penis that would make Zeus cry.

The Word “Scumbag” Means Condom

You've heard it in movies. You may have even said it a few times. The word scumbag, by today's standards seems like a pretty mild insult to bestow upon someone who has crossed you. As it turns out, it's a pretty graphic, disgusting and super insulting word to have in your repertoire. In the late sixties, the term actually meant condom. So now you can go around calling people scumbags and diabolically laughing to yourself in a lonely basement, knowing that you just called someone a used condom.

The CIA's Cold War Penis Envy Plan

The Cold War was a truly dark time between us and the people of Russia. There were spies on both sides trying to pry as much information out of their enemies that they could. Much of what went on during this conflict were insane mind games between the two people. When you are f**king with another country's head… you really want to mess them up good. The CIA knew right where to hit them… during their hairy, vodka-fueled genitalia slapping. The CIA actually had a plan to drop gigantic condoms labeled “medium” onto Russian soil to make the Russian women think of Americans as more virile. American schlongs had penetrated the soviet brains with the truest of fears.

1836 Condoms are the Stuff of Nightmares

If you were alive in 1836, chances are you were pretty bummed out. There were no Yoga pants or female Jello-wrestling events. Style wasn't at the height of comfort by any means. There was no air conditioning, so everyone pretty much smelled like a ripe ass on a foot. True happiness in those times must've seemed like a cruel myth. The condoms weren't anything to smile about either. They were made of vulcanized rubber, fitted by a doctor and were made to be reused. There was no such thing as a dishwasher in those days, so puttin' your manhood in one of those things after it had been used a couple of times was probably similar to when Indiana Jones had to put his hand in that bug infested shaft in 'The Temple of Doom.'

Is That a Condom? You Have a Right to Remain Silent

As much as we complain about condoms today, it is easy to forget how many money-draining toddlers they help prevent. They definitely help dudes safely guide their dongs into the trusting love-canals of many a lucky lady. It's hard to think (he he… hard) that as recently as 1936 slippin' on a rubber was actually illegal. Now you can say you for sure no the meaning of the term “double negative.”

Do You Deliver Lube Too?

The campus at Harvard has always been a wonderful place filled with the brightest minds conceptualizing the most forward thinking of ideas. Ideas have come out of that college that have revolutionized the way we live. Some of the society's finest minds celebrate this Alma Mater. It's no surprise that in this atmosphere another great idea was to happen in the acid washed days of 1985. Some Harvard students actually started a condom delivery service. It would need a slogan. Something catchy and something worthy of the mental champions who walk the halls of this legendary educational institute. They finally decided on the slogan “We'll Come Before You Do!” Staggeringly brilliant.

Working For Trojan Has Perks

When looking ahead to a suitable career choice, a condom manufacturer is probably not on the top of your list. Who wants to sit around and analyze rubber crank-wrappers all day long? Apparently, there is a spermicidal lubricated rainbow on the other side. Trojan actually has 20 to 30 people on a bed panel, who take the newly tested condoms home and report back their experiences. Nothing is more liberating than telling your boss about the masochistic sex you had last night, while wearing a ball-gag.

Like gettin learned up? Check out these other articles by Andy about stuff you didn't know!

10 Things You Didn't Know About Louis CK

10 Things You Didn't Know About College

10 Things You Didn't Know About Facebook

10 Things You Didn't Know About Boobs

10 Things You Didn't Know About Beer

10 Things You Didn't Know About Weed

10 Things You Didn't Know About Hugh Hefner

10 Things You Didn't Know About Sex

10 Things You Didn't Know About Bill Murray

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