Boobs. What more can be said about them at this point? In the wonderful universe that is the female anatomy, boobs pretty much reign supreme. They are only slightly edged out by the vagina simply due to functionality. Bros have dedicated an eternity to learning all that we can about these supple squishy bags of pure joy and today marks a triumph as BroBible delivers to you 10 things you didn't know about boobies.
The "Total Recall Special"--Extra Boobage
When the current session of bros were but lads, many of our little bro minds were blown the day we accidentally watched a movie called "Total Recall" with Arnold Schwarzeneggar. There were many things in that movie that a young bro is simply not equipped to mentally deal with. Things like that talking stomach twin thing--Kuato. And there was also a woman with a third boob. The possibility of extra boobage seemed impossible to us at the time, but as it turns out it's actually a very real phenomenon. Between .4 and .6 percent of women are actually strapped with an extra breast or... A WHOLE EXTRA PAIR!
In Russia, Boob Grabs YOU!
Mother Russia. A vast, cold and ancient slice of the Earth pie. The country has seen it's share of dark times and also helped us cheer on Rocky against Dolph Lundgren. Russians are a sturdy group of folks that have adapted to their harsh landscape. Due to the rampant boredom in Russia that makes people produce the most insane Youtube videos on the planet, it has forced mother nature to calm some of this boredom. This may be the reason why Russian women's cup size averages at a D.
The Tax Deductible Titty
Boobs have had such an effect on our society, that they have become BIG business. Strip clubs, porn, breast implants. We live in an age and time when the power of the titty is actually available for purchase. They have also jiggled their way into our tax system. In 1988, a stripper named Cynthia Hess argued that her breast implants were a work expense, in front of a judge. She won her case and got to deduct her boob job. Screw buying a house, stock up on boobs.
Where's Waldo? Lookin' at Some Boobs That's Where!
We all remember that fun series of books known as "Where's Waldo." He was a real bastard to find and there was so much going on within the pages of those books that you know the artists slipped in some seriously weird shit from time to time. And any artist on those books that practiced the lifestyle of the bro, would feel an inherent call of duty to put a set of hooters in there somewhere. And that's exactly what happened, resulting in the most controversial edition of "Where's Waldo" ever.
The Average Size of Boobs is Growing
Apparently mother nature moves and changes with demand. This is demonstrated by one fact alone. The average size of boobs is growing. That's right, a Bro somewhere out there must have found a real actual genie, who granted him one wish. And this was it. Thank you, nameless bro, while we don't know your name, you will never be forgotten.
Those Aren't Boobs, THOSE Are Boobs (Australian Accent)
In the land down under they don't mess around. There are spiders there that would make even bros with the sturdiest of constitutions immediately release their bowels. They don't have time to play games, ESPECIALLY when it comes to their porn. In fact they have laws in place to make sure porn is of the very utmost quality. Australia has actually banned porn that contains small breasts. To small boobs, the Aussies say "Good day!"
Boobs Are Just The New Ankles
Bros during the Renaissance were actual bros, but they were just a little weird and misguided. Back in those days, pure boner fuel wasn't what we know it to be today. In that era, the site of an ankle could force these weird bros to cream in their pantyhose tights. The site of boobs was considered far less risque than that of an ankle. It would be sweet to bring one of those guys back with a time machine during summer time to watch them call all the girls in flip flops whores and tramps.
In the movie "Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay" we met Tits Hemingway. She was played by pornstar Echo Valley. She was endowed with freakishly large breasts. These giant jugs had provided her an illustrious career on screen and in some bizarre twist of fate, and the cruel hand of irony, she died in a car accident because she couldn't get a seatbelt around those things. With great boobs, comes great responsibility.
Once a bro has truly mastered the way to get repeat customers in the sack, he may be rewarded by the gods and introduced to one of these lucky ladies. If you are an elite black belt in the ways of the boobie, you can actually bring a chick to climax touching only her breasts. It's the sexual equivalent to a fatality in "Mortal Kombat." 1 percent of women only need their boobs touched to acheive orgasm. Dating one of these girls is better than owning your own Golden Tee Golf arcade game. WAAAAAY better.
Beer Fueled Boobs
We learned ya up good and pretty about beer with this article. And now knowledge from the beer world has collided with that of the boobs. Apparently beer can actually help a mother produce breast milk. That which can help lead to the baby can keep the little beast fed, also. Even little bros are programmed with a predetermined love of beer and boobs.