6. The Pageantry
I thoroughly abhor parades so this qualm isn't just St. Pat's specifically. They are the most purposeless, uninteresting, piles of human excrement our country has to offer. Someone please explain to me what good they do?
7. Cover Charge to Shitty Pubs
Instead of being grateful on the one day that they have a crowd, all the Murphy's, Kelly's, Connelly's, McHale's, et al, are suddenly charging at the door. If I'm paying admission to get in, the whole establishment has just become my urinal.
8. Excessive Playing of House of Pain, Dropkick Murphys, and U2
Two thirds of the above aren't even from Ireland. There aren't many great choices coming out of Ireland, sure, but what's a brother got to do to kick it to some Sinéad O'Connor? While I'm at it I'll throw the Cranberries into the rotation.
9. Tough Guys
The Irish are touted as violent drunks, I get it, but St. Pat's has got to be the biggest day of the year for beer muscles. It can be annoying if you are one of those pussies that doesn't go out looking to spar. Why so on edge, fellas? Tiny dick syndrome got ya down?
10. Tattoo Show-offs
This is the only day of the year that your shamrock/leprechaun tattoo is only 99% gay. Quit pulling up your sleeve to show everyone just how Irish you are. On second thought, keep showing it to all the girls; one less douchebag the rest of us have to contend with.
O.K., now let's go get drunker than shit.