With the exception of my toilet and the occasional human chest, I don't like to shit on things just for the sake of shitting on things. I know there are a lot of die-hards out there in Internetland that will disagree with this entire concept but to most people, St. Patrick's Day is an over-hyped excuse to get bombed. It's like Cinco De Mayo, only far less offensive when people "play the role." If you aren't Irish, religious, or a Celitics' fan, you probably don't care why the holiday even exists. However, it does exist, so you accept that as "reason enough" to drag yourself to some typically named Irish pub, order Irish Car Bombs (while making jokes about actual car bombs), and spit incoherent game to girls covered in green glitter. With any luck you'll wake up the next morning to the perfect scenario: with no recollection of anything that you did and a used condom on the floor next to you to validate your dominance over the opposite sex...or that you exercise safe masturbation when you're drunk.
So what the fuck could we possibly hate about that? It sounds like one hell of a debaucherous time. And it usually is. I'm not here to say "St. Pat's is gay and all who engage in its merriment follow suit." I for one, like any holiday/get-together that puts a bottle in my hand (funerals included), but this list has never been done, and considering how vast the Internet is, I only have a small window to complain and air all grievances before someone beats me to it. So here goes: 10 things we hate about St. Patrick's Day.
1. Not a Federal Holiday
St. Pat never did a goddamn thing for America, and I accept that. But I also happen to like not going to work. Maybe St. Pat's is not on the scale of Christmas but if we can't get it to be federal holiday, it at least needs to be made into a segregated one for those who it effects (or can pretend it effects). Like if the Jews can miss work to observe whatever the fuck they are observing when they starve themselves for an entire day, then Irish Catholics (and people who say, "My last name is Italian but my mother's side of the family is Irish as shit") should be awarded the same privileges.
2. Idiotic T-shirts/ Celtics Shirts/Jerseys
The amount of fucking Celtics regalia worn on St. Pat's is nauseating. You know you're not a fan, but like half of the other idiots wearing this shit, you just didn't have a green shirt and you needed one to fit in. And really, what other choice did you have? This was literally your best option because wearing a graphic tee that says "Kiss Me I'm Irish" is worse than a bullet flying up your dickhole.
3. Abuse of Little People
Come on, people. Have a shred of decency and stop renting them for your parties. I know they are profiting, but don't you think they would rather have their dignity than make a dollar from some prick like you? If right about now you're thinking that this is a poor argument, you would be right. But while I have your attention, please stop renting clowns in general. They're horrifying.
4. The Food
Soda Bread, Blood Pudding, Corned Beef, Cabbage...all words that somehow fit naturally, and can be used interchangeably, when one is trying to describe a disgusting vagina. Ex: "I fucked Jenny while her crotch was on the skids last night. When I pulled my dick out out of that corned beef there was blood pudding... everywhere." Keep that thought close while you eat this garbage tomorrow.
5. Green Beer
Is absolutely unnecessary.
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