What "Black Friday" means to a bro is simple. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. There is absolutely no need to subject yourself to being pushed around by sweaty sad overweight freaks at a Walmart to save $40. No matter your thoughts on the subject of Black Friday... it happens every year. And every year madness ensues. It gives us a glimpse into the true herd mentality that can consume human nature. Yeah, it's a real son of a bitch that Black Friday... but you knew that. Here's 10 things you didn't know about Black Friday.
We all get up from our Turkey induced slumber the day after Thanksgiving only to notice that the elder clan of females in the group have been long gone since the wee hours of the morning. Sales on Black Friday are incredible and despite the economy being super depressing... Black Friday sales have increased 61% since 2006. Someone should do a study on hooker's financial gains during Black Friday.
Death by Black Friday
The insanity that consumes a human being's brain when faced with the opportunity to save money on a high definition television is immensely terrifying. These weirdos are regressed to an apelike state that makes them capable of horrific atrocities. In 2008, a Walmart employee was literally trampled to death by unruly shoppers. Police officers were injured trying to rescue the poor guy, but the attempt failed. If you find yourself at a Walmart today... may the Gods protect you.
Cyber Monday is Much Safer
Now that the internet has happened, people have the luxury of shopping in the nude... covered in leftover turkey grease right from the comfort of their own living room. It turns out these internet businesses ALSO have the capability to have crazy sales. The web's answer to Black Friday is Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday is much less violent but the name does leave the freaky folks who like to have cyber sex a little bummed. Especially the ones who called off work to participate in what they thought was an all out depraved web orgy.
Parking Tickets on Black Friday in NYC are BIG MONEY
New York City. The greatest city on the planet. Everything you could ever imagine is at your fingertips in this bustling metropolis. Being the greatest city on the planet means they have a huge opportunity to ruin visitor's holiday by charging them an insane amount of money for not following parking laws. The city typically earns about $900,000 for parking tickets the day after Thanksgiving. This is up from the $300,000 they make on any other given day.
Save Money, Bring Pepper Spray
If you are getting ready to go out into the wicked wilderness that is Black Friday, you want to gear up like Arnold Schwarzeneggar getting ready to take on The Predator. One lady knew that all too well. She remembered to bring her pepper spray. The woman was waiting for an X-box 360 when the site of a new load came out onto the floor whipping the line into a frenzy. That's when she deployed enough pepper spray on her fellow customers to injure 20 people. It's called shopping like a boss.
There Are at Least 135 Million Complete Morons
We all know about Black Friday. We hear tale of the nightmares that happen on this day, so why then do people go out? It's something that may never be answered. Every year more than 135 Million people venture out into the perils of Black Friday. That's a lot of stupid people.
You're Fired Grandma
The evil side of corporations really shine during the holidays. Take for example this wonderful little tale of Black Friday shopping. A 73 year old greeter named Jan Sullivan was told to keep shoppers from exiting this particular exit of a Tampa area Walmart. A shopper tried making his way out of those doors, when Jan stepped in front of him to let him know that he needed to use another exit. That's when the shopper pushed the old woman down. She grabbed onto the woman to keep from falling. Justice was served when the 73 year old greeter was fired for touching a customer.
Black Friday is NOT The Biggest Shopping Day of The Year
Despite the madness and the popular belief that Black Friday is the single biggest shopping day of the year... this is absolutely freakin' wrong. The days when the most shoppers make purchases vary from Dec 5th right up to the day before Christmas. So now when someone regails this "fact" to you, you can tell them to shut their pie-hole, smack them in the mouth and say "WRONG!"
I'll Shoot You Dead Right Here at Toys R Us!
Parents befall a different kind of Black Friday breakdown. They just want their little demon spawn to be happy on Christmas day. They want this so bad that they are willing to break the law to see to it. As a woman cut the line for a 2010 Black Friday sale in Wisconsin. Of course the other folks in the line didn't appreciate this and started griping. That's when the woman simply stated that she was going to shoot anyone else who bitched. Police showed up and took the woman to jail right there at the Toys R Us making a true holiday memory.