So last night may not have gone well for you if you voted for Mitt Romney. And today, you may still be sitting there in a lightly-used Romney/Ryan shirt, confused, hungover, and in a bad place. You may be thinking dark things. You may even have posted dark things to Facebook. And you may still be fuming from that cyber-fight with the Oberlin chick from your high school AP English class over said dark things on your Facebook. (Not a fight you can win, dude. Even with the well-timed "Stick your dreadlocks up your ass" insult.)
Luckily, we're here to help with 10 things to dull that pain.
(And if you're on this article after getting lost trying to find that video of the hamster spinning wildly in an out-of-control wheel, congrats for living in Colorado or Washington!)
1. Drink this.
It’s called Old Overholt rye whiskey. It's one of the oldest bourbons in the country, and for many years, it was the only rye that New York City bars would stock. Don Draper and Conrad Hilton used it to make Manhattans in "Mad Men."
Both these things are for good reason. Old Overholt is deep, it's been called tastier than Maker's Mark and Jim Beam bourbons and, get this, it only costs $14. Plus, its 200-year history is a good fit for a conservative party. Drink up, champ. It makes the happy feelings come.
2. Move to Mexico.
These normally pop up from liberals after Republicans take the White House, however, quite a few conservatives Tweeted threats to move to Canada last night.
I could point out that this is ridiculous because Canada has single-payer health care and strict gun laws, but I don't want to be a dick. Besides, you probably knew that already. Instead, here's my advice: Threaten to move to Mexico.
Why not? Mexico is slighted every four years during this pointless "I'm moving away" conversation. It has great beaches, and, if you stay away from certain gang-infested areas, there's a good chance you can keep your head for two, at least three years. Who knows what its economy and health care system is like? They could still have a barter system! It could be an adventure.
3. Hit the gym.
Don't run, or use an elliptical, or do yoga or anything lame like that. Pick up extremely heavy things and throw them down very loudly. Yell while doing this, and consider painting your face like Braveheart beforehand. There's a reason to this: That bench press session is proven to psychologically help you blow off steam. It's probably also better for you, long-term, than my advice at the beginning of the article.
4. Have sex.
With a significant other (or some other roadside trash), hit the hay early tonight for a sex sesh. Having sex while both of you are pissed off is actually good for your relationship, because it acts as a reminder of what it was like when you slept together during your early days dating. It'll be wilder and more primal. (at least according to that really reliable article I just linked to). Plus, if you perform well, you'll have the confidence you lacked while watching the results roll in last night.
So get at it, you crazy kids.
5. Stay off Twitter and Facebook for a while.
I know this article might have gone up too late, but you should treat Twitter and Facebook today like you did when your ex dumped you and then went to Cancun. Just bad things going to come out of those sites. Don't just take it from me, though: Studies have been written that prove that social networks will exacerbate your unhappiness if you're already sad. Give it a few days.
Which should open up time for you to...
6. Break shit.
Do you have an old TV? Do you have a bat? As the great late 90's philosopher Fred Durst once eloquently put it, " I pack a chainsaw/I'll skin your ass raw/And if my day keeps going this way, I just might/Break something tonight!" He had sex with Christina Aguilera, so I think we should take him at his word.
This point also applies for anyone pleased with the results of the election last night. Everyone break stuff today!
7. Buy Halo 4.
IGN just gave it a 9.8, one of their highest ratings ever. "Amazingly, Halo 4 is not only a success," the review says, "[It's] a bar-raising triumph for the entire first-person shooter genre." Go buy it and start racking up that kill count, champ.
8. Look into jailing Instagram users.
Bombarded by people Tweeting and Instagram'ing their ballots yesterday? Did you know that it's illegal in many states? In Wisconsin, posting ballots online constitutes election fraud and is a Class 1 felony. Florida, Kentucky, Nevada, Texas and West Virginia also have rules on the books that forbid this kind of behavior. As Yahoo's Dylan Stableford writes, "Like they do with their breakfasts, pets and children on any other day, thousands of voters took to Instagram on Election Day to post photos of their ballots. But unlike your filtered pet pictures, photographing your ballot and sharing it with others is likely illegal."
Consider teaming with a district attorney to set up a 600,000-person RICO case that would take care of these Instagram violaters. At the very least, it will keep you busy for a while.
9. Count yourself down.
"When angry, count to ten before you speak," said Thomas Jefferson. "If very angry, count to one hundred. If extremely angry, sex up your servant girl for relaxation."
Okay, I made up the last part. But there is something to be said for counting to 100 if you're about to get in an argument with someone. Everyone has fights they need to have, but not every crappy political conversation is worth losing friendships or relationships with family members. Life's too short to lose a Bro just because he's down with Barry O.
If drinking, disregard this advice.
10. Look on the bright side.
Colorado and Washington have legalized pot. The NFL season is in full swing. You live in a country that elects its leaders. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show tapes tonight.
Shit could be worse.