Donald Sterling has had a bad couple of weeks. He was outed as a virulent racist to the entire world, he was stripped of his beloved basketball team, and he was fined $2.5 million; all thanks to his “silly rabbit,” who taught us that tricks are no longer just for kids.
Unlike his current media consultants whose strategy seems to be “just keep riding out this Magic Johnson has AIDS thing,” I know how to make this embarrassing episode work in Donald’s favor. Ya see, as a result of this incident, Sterling now has two things he didn’t have prior to the scandal—notoriety and free time. If those two things aren’t a perfect recipe for a career in HOLLYWOOD then I don’t know what is.
What I’m proposing is a Donald Sterling Hollywood takeover. He’s fresh, he’s in the public consciousness, he tells it like it is, and now it’s time to put all those things to good use. Since Hollywood is run by a bunch of unimaginative dolts, I’ve decided to do the heavy lifting for them, and comprise a list of potential TV shows for Donny S. to star in. They all have Emmy potential, but I’ll leave it up to the readers to decide which one will be his starring vehicle.
Sterling Silver – After losing his basketball team, old curmudgeonly racist, Donald Sterling decides to follow through on his lifelong passion and open up a jewelry store! One problem—the only person willing to fund his new venture is NBA Commissioner Adam Silver! The two unlikely business partners must overcome their differences and work together in order to make their new store profitable. Adam thinks they have what it takes to make the store a success…IF he could get Donald to stop following “suspicious looking” black customers around the store!!
Mystique the Mistress Murderer – Donald Sterling learned firsthand just how much a mistress can ruin your life. Determined not to let other horny, old, rich white dudes suffer the same fate, Donald sets out to stop other side chicks from capitalizing off their lover’s misfortune. By day, he is a lowly disgraced billionaire, but by night, he transforms into Mystique the Mistress Murderer, an overweight, practically immobile superhero, who has difficulty fully opening his eyes! While not endowed with superpowers, he uses his extreme wealth to create gadgets and weapons that enable him to take down burdensome broads. Think Batman meets Dexter meets Ripper Street.
Color Blind – Donald Sterling is out on his ass after his ex-wife seizes his mansion. With nowhere to go, he’s forced to find a roommate on Craigslist. What’s the catch? His new roommate ends up being eccentric black hustler, R-Teest (Flavor Flav)! Sterling and R-Teest butt heads as cultures clash, but despite Sterling constantly accusing R-Teest of theft whenever he can’t find something, they soon learn that friendship truly is color blind.
The Grandfather Paradox - After an eccentric scientist introduces geriatric bigot, Donald Sterling, to a time machine, Sterling uses the contraption to go back in time to the 1950s! While initially freaked out over the time travel, Sterling soon realizes that everyone actually shares the same beliefs and societal views as him, so he decides to stay put, delighted over the prospect of no longer being treated like a pariah.
The Bias Bachelor – Seemingly overnight, Donald Sterling has found himself without a wife OR a mistress. With one foot in the grave, he’s starting to fear that he will ultimately die alone. While his views may be outdated, the lifestyle he can afford to provide women still makes him a very eligible bachelor. This reality dating show follows Donald as he goes on dates with thirty potential mistresses, eschewing standard dating show protocol by dismissing everyone of color in the first round.
Lost Angeles - Donald Sterling is a geezer with a heart of mold, and it seems that his wayward practices and mistreatment of people is finally starting to catch up to him. After losing all of his money and being abandoned by family and friends, Donny is starting to have an identity crisis. He sets out to find himself by getting in touch with nature. He moves into a tent in the Hollywood Hills, accompanied by his trusty, domesticated squirrel, Nibbles. Think a serialized version of Into the Wild meets Chip ’n Dale: Rescue Rangers.
The LA Clippers – Bad news: Donald Sterling lost his basketball team. Good news: he now has plenty of time to devote to his true passion. Cutting hair! Donald opens up an old school barber shop in South LA, where the only thing they do better than cut hair, is tell it like it is! When Donald isn’t fending off constant assaults from locals, he’s dishing, gossiping, and straight up spitting truth with fellow barbers Big Mike, Little Mike, Mike ’n Ike, Dupree, and Zach,
Bigot With a Badge - Donald Sterling is a no-nonsense cop who doesn’t play by the rules. Specifically, he doesn’t play by the rules that state everyone is innocent until proven guilty and you’re not allowed to racially profile people. But he’s also renegade, and plays by his OWN rules! His rules mostly entail just berating young black men, accusing them of crimes they didn’t commit. He also has a sassy sidekick played by Paula Deen!
Don Juan – After being betrayed by his mistress, Don Sterling has trust issues in relationships, which manifests itself in Casanova-like promiscuity. We follow Don as he sets to put his skills to good use by opening up a pick-up school where he teaches nerds how to bang women with low self-esteem, accompanied by his foul-mouthed pick-up artist best friend, Microwave.
Magic Johnson Has AIDS – While Donald Sterling may be known for being America’s wealthiest racist, he’s also an accomplished businessman. Sterling created an empire worth billions! And now, in this reality show, Donald will use his business acumen to help failing small businesses get back on their feet. But in a hilarious Sterling-esque twist, once Donald arrives on the scene, he ends up just berating the company owners about Magic Johnson having AIDS.