Hey! I've got a penis. I manage it on a daily basis. And I don't mean that in sexual way. Well, maybe I do.
/winks at his reflection in the screen
Anyway, Suzanne Moore, a female writer for The Guardian, wrote a list of 10 rules for men to manage our penises and I take umbrage with that. SERIOUS FUCKING UMBRAGE. Why, you ask? Because I don't go around town pontificating to lady-folk on how they should be managing their vagina. In fact, I don't give one lick of shit about what unspeakable things any chick other than my girlfriend does to her yum-zone. Granted, Moore does make a few good points in her list, but I will do my best to ignore anything with validity and tell her to fuck the fuck off.
Sue's list is in bold. My responses are below each one.
1) Do not involve your penis in sexting if you are public figure with a penchant for extramarital affairs.
Ok, so she opened with a fair point. I'll give her that. But that's all I'm giving you, Suzanne! Unless you send me your phone number. Because then I can probably hook you up with a sick photo of my dick.
2) Do not neglect your penis. I am talking hygiene.
This is nonsensical. This is the beginning of Suzanne's filler bullshit. Did you realize after number one you didn't have anything else to write? What's next, Sue? You going to tell us we need to wipe our assholes after we shit? Well I've got a cold confession: I already do.
3) Do not stick your penis into household objects.
Disagree. Completely. If you have a fleshlight in your house, it's a HOUSEHOLD OBJECT and not shoving your dick into it is a goddamn disservice to your cock's dorsal nerve. Also, no fleshlight? NO PROBLEM! Use one of these pillows and the fist God gave you. Same basic thing!
I'll give Sue partial credit on this one and just say: don't stick your dick into anything you might not be able to get it out of or anything electrical, as that is an embarassing way to die. R.I.P Uncle Ted.
4) Do not use your penis to urinate all over the place in public. Why on earth is this acceptable?
I don't know, maybe the prevention of bladder infections, or UTI's, or white snow, you bitch? It's acceptable because at some point everyone does it out of basic necessity. Even women.
5) Do not ever put your penis into someone who does not want this.
How very thoughtful. Suzanne was under the impression we all needed to be reminded not to rape. Store this advice somewhere safe, Bros. Wouldn't want to forget this one.
6) Do not name your penis.
Mine is named the BOX CUTTER, but sometimes, when he's feeling randy or on a covert mission, he goes by Ebenezer Splooge.
7) Do not derive pleasure from your penis with other men.
Oh for fuck's sake... I've had enough. Can't do it. I don't even know what the fuck this one means, but you've made me lose the will to go on. You win, Sue. You goddamn win...
Here are the final three, each worse than the one before it:
8) Do not try to pierce your own penis.
9) Do not try to make your penis bigger by buying Bazooka Pills or other rubbish offered online.
10) Do not mistake your penis for your brain.
So if we're keeping score Suzanne provided us with one and a half good tips. Oh, and if you're a fan of torture, read her entire post and logic behind her choices at The Guardian.
[image via ShutterStock]