Here’s something that will confuse your d*ck: a tranny by the name of Jenna Talackova has been shortlisted to compete for the position of Miss Canada in this year’s Miss Universe competition (pending a ruling on whether he/she actually qualifies as a “Miss”). Scroll down and you’ll find a recap video of the 2011 Miss International Queen contest, an annual tranny-friendly beauty pageant held in Thailand. Pay special attention to the visibly salivating emcee, who is unfazed by the possibility of getting a mushroom tattoo on the cheek should he burrow his head underneath one of the shemale’s panty-lines.

So, the alarming thing here is that these trannies are, well ... hot. Or at least they would be if they didn’t have surgical scars and a makeshift gash where there was once a big, veiny, throbbing D*CK. Makes you wonder: how many of these Adam’s-appled beauties are personal messaging you on Match.com? Or pinching your ass in a dimly lit bar every Friday night? Or exchanging lascivious glances with you on the morning commute?

And how will you ever be able to date again, knowing that the “special surprise” she promised you over dinner could turn out to be a good old-fashioned flesh-on-flesh swordfight?

You might try referencing this: a foolproof guide to identifying potential red flags on the first date, from the vaguely-gendered to the hairy-limbed to the money-grubbing.

Yep, that right there used to have dude parts.

1. The Transgendered Chick Who Is Deceptively Feminine

Telltale Signs You’re with Her: Visible Adam’s Apple and/or bulge; discernible efforts to hide her baritone conversational voice; cites RuPaul as one of her biggest influences.

Foolproof Test: Try the Dundee Maneuver; a bit of sleight of hand that involves clapping your hand over the loins to check for any strange protuberances.

2. The Clinger

Telltale Signs: Aberrant and overly enthusiastic texting patterns; hair dolls; the part where you wake up and she’s cowering over you with a Charles Manson grin describing her face.

Foolproof Test: Pull the plug on the communication lines for a few days. See how many texts/calls/emails in a row she’s willing to commit to without a response. If the number is greater than three, or her tone becomes increasingly desperate, a restraining order might be your next logical course of action.

3. The Baby-Talker

Telltale Signs: Pet names; wots of words wif extwa double-woos; penchant for abruptly stopping in public to admire and/or verbally molest every toddler or puppy you pass.

Foolproof Test: Should you pass by a pet-store, suggest going in. If she’s a baby-talker, her speech will quickly devolve into an unintelligible series of coos and sighs and made-up names. Your head might try to tell you “It’s OK, we can overlook it: those t*tties are EVERYWHERE,” but the vomit in your mouth will say otherwise, and he’s the guy you should trust.

4. The Virgin

Telltale Signs: Immediately locks down a Kung Fu grip on your wandering hands during make-outs; attends church more than once a week; tends to get nervous and change the subject if you bring up anything vaguely sexual.

Foolproof Test: Invoke Tim Tebow and deliver an impassioned mid-dinner speech about how important “waiting” until marriage is to you. Be sure you never say explicitly just what you are waiting to do. She will inevitably blurt out, aglow, “I’m a virgin, too!” This is the part where you pretend incredulity and respond, “Virgin?! Oh, no ... I’m waiting for marriage to introduce the world to my rendition of Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” – not have sex!” Then you signal for the check and exit stage left.

5. The Harlot

Telltale Signs: Eager to initiate physical contact; few qualms with aggressive displays of public affection; willing to overlook the fact that you forgot to pack rubbers; willing to overlook the fact that sleeping with you on the first date may qualify her as a “harlot.”

Foolproof Test: When you wake up the morning after your date, take stock of your surroundings: Is there a girl anywhere around you? Say, perhaps, balled fetally on the other half of your bed, or lying prone on the floor with a used condom sandwiched between her legs? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you might be investing in antibiotics some time soon. But first, stir your new roommate and ask for her thoughts on morning wood.

Click below for the next 5 Red Flags