Burt Reynolds. Ron Swanson. Wilford Brimley. There is a reason these men are extremely successful and pillars of what is right in our world. It lies below their nose and above their upper lip. The mustache has long been considered a sign of power and success. Unfortunately, the mo has fallen out of style among young people. There is, however, a solution. The month of November has officially been renamed “Movember.” The idea is simple: grow a mustache for the entire month of November to raise money and awareness for men’s health issues, specifically testicular and prostate cancer. Below are ten reasons why rocking a mustache is in your best interest. Also, please comment with your favorite names for a mustache.
Let's be real. Unless you’re a hipster (more on them later), the average 20-something isn’t rocking a ‘stache. By wearing a lip tickler you are sure to stand out. Don’t think that’s a good thing? Maybe the cute little blonde in your Biology class that you’ve been hitting on for the past three weeks decides to ask you why you’ve gone all Burt Reynolds. When you tell her you’re growing it to raise money for cancer suddenly you’re like “the sweetest guy ever.” Before you know it you’ll also be “the guy back in her dorm room.”
This goes without saying, but it’s a great cause. Breast cancer gets a lot of hype in our society, and rightfully so, but guy’s bits and pieces can also get the big C. It’s only fair that as a society we raise some money for them too.
Deciding to grow a mustache is the easy part. The real decision comes when you have to figure out what style you are going to go with. Will you go old school with the classic Fu Man Chu? Or how about getting creative with a Handlebar mo? Looking to scare children? Go with a Pencil ‘stache. For a full list check out the American Mustache Institute page. To be honest, I would stay away from the Hitler. If Michael Jordan can’t bring it back you sure as hell can’t.
No Shave November
No-shave November was sooooo 2010. Do you realize what you look like if you don’t shave for a month? If I go a week with out touching a razor I can’t go to Walmart without homeland security questioning me. Just because James Harden and Brian Wilson have beards and still managed get laid doesn’t mean it will work for you. If they weren’t professional athletes they’d be those guys that go around your neighborhood with shopping carts collecting cans from the garbage.
Old is new. Take a look around. Vintage tees. Chuck Taylors. Remixed tracks from the ‘80s. Anything considered retro is hip nowadays. What better way to show you are up on all the trends than rocking a Soup Strainer for the month of November? You never know, it might even help you pull some…
If you’ve never wore a pair of jeans that cut off the circulation to your junk and aren’t a fan of “The Smiths,” chances are good your interaction with female hipsters has been limited. While you’re better off steering clear of 90% of hipsters, there are a few that are worth your time. I’d be lying if I said chicks like Zoey Deschanel and April from “Parks and Rec” weren’t smoke shows. By growing a ‘tache you can convince these types that you liked the Lumineers before they were big and understood Pans Labrinth.
Tired of being pushed around at school/work? Sick of being considered a weak and insignificant human being? All you need is a little bit of upper lip hair. By growing some face fungus you immediately become an alpha male. You are automatically 70% more likely to win all the fights you get into, which won’t be many because people will be afraid of how badass you are.
Worried a misplaced eyebrow might hurt you in that upcoming job interview? Check out this situation:
You get to the interview with your Ron Swanson in full effect. The boss who is interviewing you just so happens to have a mustache as well. You get to talking, and the boss asks when you joined Burt’s Brotherhood. You tell him you’re actually growing it in support of men with testicular and prostate cancer. Turns out his father past away from testicular cancer. Before you know it, he’s offering you not only the job, but also his 20-year-old daughter who’s an up-and-coming model with Victoria Secret.
(Editor’s Note: Yeah...that scenario is highly unlikely, in the history of space and time, to ever occur. We have reason to believe Dan was abusing heavy narcotics at the time that thought was conceived. Please proceed.)
I’m not one to condone illegal activities but I know the struggle. You’re 20 years old with half your friends of the legal age. Once midnight hits half your boys abandon that house party to hit the bars where champions are made. While you’re stuck home watching a west coast football game you could give two shits about your boys are grinding on anything that breathes with an XX chromosome. This whole situation could be avoided if you had a flavor savor. All you need is a lip rug and no bouncer will look twice as you stroll into the bar.
That photo should be reason enough.