A few weeks ago, the young lasses over at College Candy asked us if we'd like to engage in a friendly bout of he said–she said during our slow holiday weeks. In their email, they suggested that we delve into, and debate, the age-old topic of why one sex is better than the other. You know, men verses women, not vaginal verses anal. These broads must be delusional thinking they have a puncher's chance of winning this fight. You and I both know that there really doesn't need to be an entire debate or dueling articles to crown men the superior gender. But we'll do it anyway.
I love women, and I don't get any kicks from knocking them down a peg (some obviously excluded), which means I'm going to do these broads a solid by pointing out a few initial omissions. This list won't include anything about their monthly bloodbath, the sex appeal of a c-section scar, or the perils of menopause. On top of those obvious reasons why we're better, I'll go one step further and refrain from spewing all the ultra-offensive and insensitive reasons why men bulldoze women. I had some humdingers lined up too (use your imagination), but even with those removed, I still have quite the staunch list and it should easily solidify our dominance.
So here goes nothing: 10 brief reasons why men are better than women. Check out College Candy's list of why women are better here.
10. We don't cry at the drop of a hat
About 99% of the time, a man is an emotionless, carefree renegade. The other 1% is allotted for those rare occurrences like the death of a loved one, championship game defeats, and ESPN's "My Wish" segments. We also reserve the right to cry or get rattled over other personal tragedies like blowing our load in a fertile chick or losing our dick entirely.
9. We can piss discreetly in public
This might seem like a minute thing, but we can literally piss anywhere with no hassle. I once relieved myself in the middle of the fairway on a golf course during a tournament. I knelt down, pulled out my piece, and pretended to tie my shoe as I pissed on one of Mother Earth's finer landscapes. I'd like to see Natalie Gulbis pull that off. No, seriously, I would.
8. We don't have an extra layer of body fat or those sexy vagina bellies
Ask Billy Nye, this argument is backed by science.
7. Religions favor men
Last I checked it was a man who beat crucifixion and rose from the dead. Did I just go there? Uh, yea I did. You know where else I can go? An Islamic country... without a fucking head dress.
6. We're more creative
For instance, tackling this tired old topic wasn't our idea. Yet, we obliged because we're men and dick measuring is fun. Need more proof? Google, Facebook, Apple, YouJizz... all masterminded by dudes.
5. We have better/more loyal friends
Chicks are petty, catty, and gossip queens. You and your "girlies" may be "besties" now, but that's only until the two of you go after the same guy and someone loses. Instead of sacking up and blaming yourself for being fat and disgusting, you blame your hotter friend and say she got the guy because she is a slut.
4. We know how to share
I might actually be Eskimo brothers with over 50% of my friends. How many women, who don't flock in orgy circles, can say that? Which coincidentally brings me to my next point.
3. We can fuck without repercussions
Am I a slut? No shot. I'm just a guy with a curious cock, that's all. A man about the people. I ask you what woman who sleeps around can say that? Huh? A two-bit, freeloadin' whore, that's who.
2. We're respected as athletes
You don't believe me, ladies? Well, why do you think ESPN gave you your very own website? Because the demand to read about UConn's latest 50-point win is so high? Or is this ESPN's way of saying, "Sure, you could drink from the men's water fountain, but that one over there is labeled 'women' so why not just use it?" ESPNW smells like Segregation 2.0 to me.
1. When we're done, you're done
Whether its five minutes into it, or 30 minutes after you've already squirted the good squirt, it's over when the man finishes or gives up (because he's too drunk or unenthused to finish). I mean, when is the last time a man came and then kept going for another 20 minutes just so the chick could get off? Had to have been in the 1960s.