Attn. Aspiring Whale Hunters of America: consider this a call to arms.
We’ve been hiding in the shadows for too long, whisking plus-size girls up to dorm rooms and apartments under cover of night or rolled up in a particularly expansive blanket then lashed to a dolly, wary that roommates or frat brothers might discover the two-tons-of-fun we’re carrying in tow.
We all know that if caught, chain emails belittling our conquests will be soon to follow, not to mention nasty rumors that diminish our chances of hooking up with slimmer girls in the future. And yes, our dick-flexion and CPR skills will occasionally be put to the test by the rogue fat-girl who decides to climb on top and work herself into an asthma attack. But despite the various regrets that we inevitably struggle through every MACC (Morning After Chubby-Chasing), we all go back to the proverbial well to drink from it again.
Like the white girl who gets her first taste of black dick, the virgin chubby-chaser walks away wide-eyed (and covered in a thin film of congealed perspiration). He won’t boast about his takedown like he does with other girls; if anything, he’ll be ashamed of the circumstances and swear to himself that there will be no repeat performance. But come some lonely night – around 2 a.m. or thereabouts, as the bar empties out and his dick begs for some place to call home – he’ll find her: panting, glistening, beer-breathed, taut-paunched and, most importantly, DTF.
When this next time comes, please, I implore you: wear it with pride. Start the chain email yourself and applaud the devastating arsenal of sexual maneuvers that were exercised on your body the previous night. The hour is nigh for us to reverse the myth that fat-bottomed girls aren’t worth the occasional bang. She may not look good in your wedding photos, but I promise you she’ll look good for one night if you close your eyes tight enough.
Still not convinced? I can go all day. Here are 10 reasons that should put the debate to rest:
I know that even the most elitist of ass-men still go weak at the knees for the occasional helping of teet. And if you manage to bed a double-digit-sized girl with a bad set of sweater meats, well, you’re doing it wrong.
No, not the one where the Saints used to go Tonya Harding on the Brett Favres and Michael Vicks of the world. The one that involves staring at the top of some dumpy chick’s head. In Sideways, Jack (Thomas Haden Church) calls a rotund waitress “the grateful type.” All accounts that I’ve gathered reiterate that notion. Fat girls try harder, plain and simple, and blow-job enthusiasm is perhaps the area where that mentality gives them their greatest edge over their more bony-hipped sistren.
3. Opportunity for the Mythical Rodeo
Your sexual resume will look a whole lot stronger with this item on it.
4. It’s a Sign of Prosperity
Ever notice that the models in Renaissance paintings are pasty, buxom and soft all over? That’s because once upon a time, obesity was valued, even considered beautiful – the idea being that a little extra meat on the bone was a sure sign that homegirl was healthy, well-fed and probably in line for a fat inheritance.
5. New Furniture!
Because now all of your old shit is broken.
6. They Let You Try Weird Stuff
Another corollary of the “grateful type” theory. Chances are your plump girl will be eager to please, because obviously she wants to tie your fine ass down (figuratively; if she wanted to restrain you in a literal sense she could just sit on you). She might even toss salad, despite the fact that she hasn’t actually eaten a salad in years.
7. She’s Always Game to Order Pizza After
F*ck cuddling. All that heavy lifting demands some protein replenishment. You like sausage, right? Just kidding. Of course you do.
8. She Can Pound ‘Em Back Like a Bro
By the time you convince a drunk skinny bitch that you’re not a skeezy a**hole, she’s apt to pass out the second her head hits the pillow. Not so with the big girls, who – if necessary -- will carry an intoxicated bro home and grind his pole while he lies there sans motion and debatably conscious.
9. Fewer Bruises
It’s like having sex with a foam pit except fleshier and with a wet spot that isn’t just the area where some kid peed himself. Not that I frequent foam pits. Anymore.
10. It’s Charity Work
Give yourself a pat on the back, breaux. You just made some girl’s semester. If only this counted toward those probation hours you and the brothers accrued for playing that practical joke on the plus-size sorority...
(Editor's note: Reason 11 is because Gronk would do it.)