My inability to relate to common human experiences is a longstanding point of discussion around BroBible headquarters. Never were the differences between a normal, well-adjusted individual and myself more striking than when we tried to brainstorm the 10 things that keep us living.
The other editors listed such things as loved ones, pornography, delicious meals, and general ambition as reasons to get up in the morning. This, of course, made a lot of sense. These are all fine.
It’s just … my list was a little different.
First off, I blanked after two items. That right there was a bad sign. For a good 30 seconds, I stared off into space and sunk into a deep depression. Are there only two measly reasons keeping me from stopping my beating heart? Surely that’s not right.
With great concentration, I was able to cull together three more justifications for existing on this earth. While that fell considerably short of the ultimate goal, it sure as f*ck cheered me up.
Without further ado, here are my five reasons for living. Don’t laugh.
Easily the most important facet of my life. Like, I don’t even know what the point of life is outside of watching hours and hours of people who aren’t me compete in physical challenges. If sports ceased to exist, people—and not just me—would be forced to take a good, hard look at their lives. They probably wouldn’t like what they saw.
This probably seems lame, but instead, I choose to look at it with a tint of optimism. No matter how bad life gets, sports are always there. It’s the number one method of escapism for most men. When my time here on this planet is done, I won’t, for one second, look back with regret at the innumerable hours I spent watching athletics. And neither should you.
Morning coffee-morning dump
At about 8 p.m., with most of the day in the rearview window, I start making plans for the next day. After all of the responsibilities and obligations begin to get me down, I remember that, barring some unforeseen disaster, I’ll have the ability to brew up a huge pot of coffee to jumpstart my heart. Then, 10 minutes later, it’s bathroom time. This is not disgusting. This is beautiful. A man does his best thinking in solitude. You know when a person is in a life-and-death situation and they say time seemed to stand still? Yeah, that’s what my morning No. 2 is like. Best part of the goddamn day right there.
Syndicated sitcom reruns
The 23rd time watching a specific episode of “Seinfeld” is no less enjoyable than the first, third, or 21st time watching the same offering. The early seasons of “The Office” still make me laugh as hard as when I was younger and full of optimism. More than that, though, the scripts provide the basis for my communication with other humans. Roughly 30 percent of all my words are ripped from a comedy’s script. Sad? Sure. Do I intend on ever changing it? Hell no.
Also, there has to be some reason I stay up 90 minutes each night watching this stuff from bed. Surely sleep would be a more productive use of my time. Guess the heart wants what the heart wants.
Wearing hooded sweatshirts when the weather gets chilly
OH, GOD. THE COMFORT. I was cold before, but now I am perfectly content. It’s like a magic trick. All you suckers don’t appreciate this enough.
Making good time on a long road trip
Jesus Christ, this is my time to shine. If Mapquest says it’s going to take 10 hours to get from Manhattan to Detroit, I consider it a mortal failure if I’m not inside, two-beers deep and watching the Lions lose within nine.
Conversely, this is probably a reason for any of my passengers to embrace death. What’s that? Have to go to the bathroom? Tough sh*t. You thought have thought of that before you got that 32-ounce Snapple.
Driving fast is fun, taking unnecessary risks is fun, but bragging about the IMPOSSIBLE TIME YOU JUST TURNED IN is the ultimate.
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In all seriousness, identifying the 10 greatest reasons to be alive is difficult – and even for the happy-go-lucky among us. Give it a shot. You might be surprised what you find out about yourself.